Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Disneyland closed It’s a Small World for refitting Thursday because overweight children made the boats scrape bottom. That’s how this decade will be remembered. We may be bogged down in Iraq, but elastic waistbands have been driven to their knees. The La Scala Opera House in Italy announced it will commission and stage an opera of Al Gore’s documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. The former vice president wasn’t entirely pleased by the news. Al’s a baritone so he has to play an oil company. Bill Murray was accused by his wife in divorce papers of being a pot and booze hound who always trolls for new sex partners. He’s fifty-seven. It’s a lesson for young people about the long and full life you can enjoy if you stay away from cocaine. Sharon Stone apologized Friday for saying China’s earthquake was caused by China’s bad karma. It was a costly gaffe for the actress. She lost her Christian Dior account, and hell will freeze over before she has her own line of jeans at Wal-Mart. UCLA Medical Center admitted Friday that its doctors recently performed a life-saving liver transplant on a Japanese man who is the most powerful crime boss in Tokyo. After all, they did take an oath. People who pay cash go to the top of the list. Barack Obama’s doctor released his medical records Thursday and told reporters that the candidate has been chewing on Nicorette gum for two years to try to stop smoking. How tough is it to beat nicotine addiction? It’s easier to withdraw from Iraq. Dick Cheney spoke at a GOP fundraising dinner in Chicago Thursday and declared that the war in Iraq has been a brilliant success. We rebuilt Japan, we rebuilt Germany and Iraq is now enjoying one hundred and thirty dollar a barrel oil. We are lucky al-Qaeda didn’t surrender to us or they’d have a nuclear power plant by now. Brazil natives untouched by civilization tried to down a Cessna using bows and arrows Friday. They live without electricity, running water, sanitation or roads. People gripe about British colonialism unless they’re the people who missed out on it. Barack Obama’s church congregation roared with laughter Sunday as a white guest priest went wild onstage mocking white people and white entitlement. It’s a total sacrilege. Richard Pryor’s material is holy and must never be attempted by white guys. Barack Obama apologized for his friend, Catholic priest Michael Pfleger, who went on a racial rant while he was the guest preacher at Obama’s Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago on Sunday. The priest has called Louis Farrakhan a gift from God, infuriating Jewish groups. The good news is Mel Gibson has a new place to worship. John McCain proposed a new League of Democracies Friday saying this would help the next president advance his global agenda and secure the leadership role for the U.S. It was originally Woodrow Wilson’s idea. John McCain is the guy he stole it from. Susan Sarandon vowed to move to Canada if McCain gets elected president. Last time, Martin Sheen and Barbra Streisand said they’d move to Canada if Bush was re-elected. All they had to so was express a little appreciation for their country and they could have spent the rest of their lives selling out showrooms in Branson. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 6.2.08

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