Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? White House former spokesman Scott McClellan says in his new book the Iraq war was started with propaganda. The administration had claimed Saddam was a nuclear threat. It turns out the real reason we overthrew him was he refused to charge enough for oil. Sharon Stone caused outrage in China Thursday when she told reporters that the earthquakes were caused by China’s bad karma. Never make the mistake of arguing with idiots. They just drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Nepal said Monday a record number of people scaled Mt. Everest this month. They were picking up their cars. People everywhere have figured out that the best way to beat the high cost of gasoline is to ship your car to Mt. Everest, then steer downhill. NASA rushed to fit plumbing parts into the cargo hold of the space shuttle Discovery, which takes off Saturday, because the toilet on the International Space Station is broken. The cost is enormous. Everybody knows that plumbers charge extra on Saturdays. President Bush gave the commencement speech at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs on Wednesday. He told the Academy graduates that in Iraq we are learning as we go. Because President Bush is a legacy he didn’t have to apply to get into Iraq. Jenna Bush told Ellen DeGeneres she can marry her girlfriend at the Bush ranch in Crawford. They forget this is Texas. It’s pushing too hard to ask Confederate states to vote for Barack Obama and approve homosexual marriage in the same millennium. John McCain and Barack Obama spent the entire week campaigning in Nevada, New Mexico and Colorado. Western states will be a real battleground. Notice that once they get west of Oklahoma and Texas, their opposition to polygamy becomes more nuanced. Hillary Clinton insisted Wednesday in South Dakota that she is the most electable Democrat. She’s nothing if not optimistic. Hillary spoke at a Memorial Day picnic, and when a bugler played Taps she told him to stop trying to push her out of the race. Hillary Clinton posed for photographers at Mount Rushmore Wednesday with Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt behind her. We learned nothing new. For eight years we have known that you can have rocks in your head and still be president. Barack Obama mistakenly said Monday his uncle helped to free Auschwitz in World War II when actually it was Buchenwald, as the Russians liberated Auschwitz. It’s not the first time he’s been insensitive to Jewish concerns. When Barack Obama was a community organizer in Chicago, he once hosted a Passover seder at Der Wienerschnitzel. Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert was urged to resign Wednesday after a New York businessman testified he gave him sacks of cash, free hotel rooms and free plane flights. That kind of misconduct in office isn’t tolerated in America. It’s re-elected. FEMA told emergency trailer park residents to leave and find housing by Sunday so they can get the trailers out of Louisiana before hurricane season. There are also legal reasons. Black people living inside trailer parks is a violation of redneck copyright. The Department of Health reported the percentage of overweight children in America decreased for the first time in a quarter century. Four dollars per gallon was the key. Parents are now starving their children just to get better gas mileage in the SUV. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 5.30.08

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