Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Weather Channel followed an Oklahoma tornado’s path Saturday for the first time from news choppers live. It was riveting. Slow-speed car chases in L.A. had the sick feeling they were about to lose their TV show to a younger and hotter phenomenon. Indiana Jones was denounced by Russia’s Communist Party Monday. They don’t like the way the film portrays communists as evil and ruthless. They paid a lot of money to infiltrate Hollywood to make sure every evil and ruthless villain is a capitalist. St. Paul’s minor league baseball team announced it will give Larry Craig Bobble-Foot Dolls to fans next week, with doll-sized toilet stalls sold separately. That’s just not right. It’s the senators that are for sale, the toilets have always been free. The Indianapolis 500 boasted its deepest field of superstar drivers in history on Memorial Day following the recent American open-field merger. The race did make one concession to the skyrocketing price of gasoline. They put two drivers in each car. Congress gave out billions to farmers Wednesday by passing the farm bill. Life is good on the prairie. If you think Big Brown commands high stud fees, polygamists in Texas are getting $300 a child from the president’s stimulus package. Hillary Clinton reminded reporters Friday that Bobby Kennedy was assassinated while campaigning in June. She was making the case that anything can still happen. Her campaign pollster has assured her that nothing sells like optimism and gun rights. Bill Clinton admonished reporters covering the campaign in South Dakota Sunday, saying the media is not reporting polls which show that only Hillary can beat John McCain in November. He said this is the biggest cover-up he’s ever seen. He’s far too modest. Barack Obama gave his Memorial Day speech in Las Cruces Monday. He praised the long line of fallen heroes and added he saw some of them in the crowd. So many dead people vote for him in Chicago, perhaps some of them are still wintering in New Mexico. Cindy McCain released 2-year-old tax returns indicating she made $6 million from her family business. She inherited a huge beer distributorship and was a rodeo queen. Any guy who’d cheat on that doesn’t have the judgment to be president. John McCain’s presidential eligibility was questioned Friday when records surfaced allegedly showing he was born outside the U.S. Canal Zone in Panama. It explains his passion to help Hispanics cross the border and find work in Arizona. He’s one of them. President Bush observed Memorial Day by going on network television and giving a live speech to a gathered assembly from Arlington National Cemetery. The nation could only listen somberly. It was another painful reminder that he’s still president. President Bush was at Fort Bragg Friday to give a speech demanding that Congress pass war funding. The fort was named after Confederate General Braxton Bragg, who never won a battle. Most presidents stare at the Lincoln Memorial for inspiration. Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan slammed President Bush in his new book for being devious and dishonest in taking the nation to war in Iraq, and he calls the war the costliest blunder in American history. Maybe the president hasn’t given up golf after all. The Pentagon’s code name for the attack on Iran is Operation Mulligan. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 5.29.08

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