Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Memorial Day was observed nationwide on Monday as Americans attempted to enjoy themselves the best they could. It was a challenge to hold backyard barbecues and picnics. Lighter fluid is so expensive that arsonists are booked up through Labor Day. The Atlanta Falcons signed rookie quarterback Matt Ryan Thursday. That settles the future quarterback question. All Michael Vick can do is watch the Democratic presidential primaries from prison and wonder what the hell is wrong with dogfighting. John McCain’s aides said Thursday they will release all the candidate’s health records and make his doctors available to reporters for questions. Concerns were raised because he was shot down and beaten in captivity. First wives never go quietly. President Bush signed a bill banning HMOs from refusing to ensure patients due to genetic predisposition. What a relief. It guarantees the Bush twins will continue to receive health insurance even though they have a family history of attacking Iraq. UPS set up a charity in honor of Kentucky Derby filly Eight Belles. That’s the filly that was put down after finishing second. Hillary Clinton just asked all her supporters to go to NinthBelle.com and donate to her campaign before it’s too late. The San Francisco Wax Museum removed Barry Bonds’s statue Tuesday. His murals and home-run markers and locker have been removed from the Giants’ ballpark. He could have murdered Jeff Kent at second base and there would be no evidence he was ever in town. President Bush was reported Tuesday to be pushing for an attack on Iran before he leaves the Oval Office. He’s acting like the last five years in Iraq didn’t happen. Everybody has a photographic memory, it’s just that some people don’t have film. President Bush issued an order Wednesday allowing Americans to send cellphones to people in Cuba. That’s humane. Cubans are still driving fifty-year-old U.S. cars made in Detroit and one of these days they’re going to break down and need a tow truck. Congress vowed Monday to delay a big arms sale to Saudi Arabia to try to force them to increase oil production. Arms dealers have an irresistible sales pitch to countries in the Middle East. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. Jerusalem city officials banned posters for Sex and the City last week, saying the word sex shouldn’t be posted in the holy city. Good luck to them. Preventing an onslaught of violence is a whole lot easier than preventing an onslaught of Sarah Jessica Parker. Microsoft chairman Steve Ballmer had eggs thrown at him by a Hungarian student at a college gig in Budapest. He made a rookie mistake. You’re supposed to open with the Gypsy joke in Warsaw and the Polish joke in Budapest and he got it backwards. The Interior Department put polar bears on the endangered species list because their sea-ice habitat is melting. However, it added that nothing done to protect the bears can harm the U.S. economy. No one wants to say the economy is endangered, but we will be feeding our children to these polar bears if food gets any more expensive. Dick Cheney discussed the Iraq War at the Coast Guard Academy graduation last week. He expressed his vehement opposition to premature withdrawal. He saw Justice Scalia’s nine children on CBS’ 60 Minutes and he knows the rhythm method doesn’t work. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 5.27.08

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