Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Jimmy Carter’s Habitat for Humanity said it’s made good use of the foreclosure crisis. They’re scooping up foreclosed properties at bargain prices. Jimmy Carter can’t throw the families out fast enough so he can give the homes to deserving families.
John McCain dumped his finance co-chairman Sunday in a continuing effort to get all the lobbyists off his campaign staff. Everyone close to him is a lobbyist. Last night Cindy came to bed wearing a blue nightgown saying Viva Viagra on the front.
Barack Obama blamed his struggle in Kentucky on the influence of Fox News Monday. This is nuts. You know the world is upside down when the Yankees are in last place, the Cubbies are in first place and Fox News is accused of helping the Clintons.
Mike Huckabee made a pitch to be John McCain’s running mate Sunday. He’d bring Jesus and the South to the ticket. Add that to McCain’s beer distributorship and chest full of medals and the capital will have to be moved from Washington to Richmond.
Barack Obama went on ABC’s Good Morning America on Monday and warned Republicans to lay off his wife during the upcoming election. They’re happy to do it. There’s nothing that gets a Republican’s blood pumping like the prospect of laying someone off.
Hillary Clinton went to a Methodist church in Kentucky Sunday and got a sermon on adultery. Imagine her bewilderment. It was Trinity Sunday on the church calendar and the last thing Hillary wanted to be reminded about was Gennifer, Paula and Monica.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senator Larry Craig co-sponsored an amendment letting illegal aliens work on U.S. farms. They have their reasons. She wants to lower food prices and he wants to meet guys who are away from their families and might be lonely.
President Bush reluctantly agreed Monday to stop purchasing oil to fill the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. He had to be stopped. He already drained the nation’s Strategic Patience Reserve and now the next president will have to get us out of Iraq.
Palestinian leaders disowned Osama bin Laden’s statement of support Monday. No one can believe even terrorists are distancing themselves from him. If they had any initiative they would invite him over for coffee, then turn him in for the reward money.
Hank Aaron gave the commencement speech at Concordia University Saturday where he said he still considers himself the home-run king. He’s within his rights. The only reason we are not still part of Britain is so everyone can consider himself king.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.23.08

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