By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out starring Harrison Ford. Everybody is watching the box office. If movie audiences accept a sixty-five-year-old man as an action hero, John McCain is only a fedora and a bullwhip away from the presidency.
Al Gore was awarded a million-dollar prize for environmental work Monday. He’s won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy and a Nobel Prize. Everyone wants to do something for the environment and they would rather give an award to Al Gore than give up driving.
NASA’s Phoenix Mars lander will touch down near the planet’s north pole Sunday. It will spend ninety days digging up soil with a backhoe. China’s worried that the U.S. has finally found someplace with fewer environmental and labor protections than they have.
John McCain and Barack Obama conducted a war of words Monday over whether a U.S. president should talk to Iran. Iran is beside the point. If the candidates want to establish peace and stop the killing, one of them needs to talk to the Weather Channel.
Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia endorsed Senator Barack Obama Monday. The ninety-year-old senator has apologized for his long-ago membership in the Ku Klux Klan. Right after the endorsement the Ku Klux Klan apologized for ever letting him in.
Senator Barack Obama campaigned for Native American votes in Crow Agency, Montana, on Monday. He was made an honorary member of the Crow Nation and given his own tribal name. It means One Who Must Never Be Criticized or His Jaw Will Shatter.
The White House accused NBC News of deceitful editing of the president’s reply to an NBC reporter’s question about Iran Sunday. He has a point. NBC News made the president look quick-triggered and ill-informed, and that’s the State Department’s job.
New York GOP Congressman Vito Fossella faces a judge for a drunk-driving arrest which revealed his mistress and a love child. Party leaders are in anguish. This fall, only Yankee Stadium will lose more seats than the Republican Party in the House.
President Bush acknowledged Tuesday that he’s given up playing golf to express his sense of sacrifice for the war he started in Iraq. It obviously weighs upon him very heavily. Each night he goes to bed aching for the feel of his pitching wedge.
The Change You Deserve was adopted as a re-election slogan by House Republicans Monday. Then they found out the slogan is used in commercials for an anti-depressant pill called Effexor. If Republicans are going to say that everything is just fine, they might as well promote anti-depressants and get everyone on the same page with them.
France admitted having informal talks with the Hamas terror government in Gaza which attacks Israel, prompting condemnation from Washington. That’s more like it. For the last year France has been on our side in everything and it just didn’t feel right.
Philadelphia’s police commissioner said Monday he’s firing four police officers who were videotaped swinging their nightsticks on three shooting suspects. The whole thing was caught on camera by a helicopter. No one was hurt, the cops were all former Phillies.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 5.22.08