Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush suggested in Egypt Sunday that Americans should drive more fuel-efficient cars. Not everyone is sold on the idea. The other day a pedestrian in West Hollywood was hit by a Prius and he had to go to the hospital and get it removed.
Hillary Clinton went to church in Kentucky on Sunday where the pastor preached about adultery. Everyone was embarrassed. You’d think that when the Secret Service called ahead they would be able to tell the church secretary which Clinton was coming.
Teddy Kennedy was reported doing fine at Massachusetts General Hospital Sunday after a seizure scare Saturday. He was sitting up in bed and laughing and telling stories with his family members. There’s no joy like the shared joy of an AA meeting.
Mike Huckabee made an appearance on NBC’s Meet the Press on Sunday. The network needed a moral conservative for balance. Now that gay marriage has been upheld by courts, NBC News anchors are free to tell Obama just how much they really love him.
Barack Obama began addressing military and diplomatic concerns in his campaign speeches last week. He raised worries when he said he’s campaigned in fifty-seven states. Apparently President Bush has center field so messed up that nobody can play it.
Senator John McCain appeared on NBC’s Saturday Night Live last weekend where he performed in sketches in which he poked fun at his old age. It’s important that he’s a good sport about it. John McCain was named after John Adams but not long after.
Hank Steinbrenner ripped his N.Y. Yankees for poor play Friday. He’s not kidding around. The Steinbrenners own racehorses, and after what happened at the Derby the Yankees don’t have to be told twice that finishing second is a really bad career move.
Big Brown took the second leg of the Triple Crown Saturday at the Preakness in Baltimore. Afterwards his owners sold his stud rights to a horse farm for millions of dollars. Not every horse is so lucky, nowadays most of them get put out to carpool.
The National Fine Arts Commission ordered the Dr. Martin Luther King National Mall statue re-sculpted, saying it looks like Mao. We know how this ends. By the time the statue is approved everybody looking at it will think that Robert Redford has a dream.
The Lundberg Survey said gas prices could be four dollars a gallon by Memorial Day. Don’t worry, we may get it all back in gold by the end of the summer. The U.S. Olympic track and field coach just entered American gasoline prices in the high jump.
Osama bin Laden responded to Israel’s sixtieth birthday celebration Friday by calling for perpetual holy war against Israel. He repeated the threat in a second tape two days later. Some people get real testy when you don’t invite them to a party.
President Bush said Thursday he gave up golf as a sacrifice for the Iraq war. He took us into a five-year war on false evidence and he gave up golf for penance. Clergymen are never allowed into the White House unless they have a demonstrated record of leniency.
Dallas cops arrested a Prestonwood Baptist Church pastor Friday for soliciting a thirteen-year-old girl online. The church is so big it has forty ministers. The guy they arrested is the minister to married couples, but the minister in charge of perversion and forbidden sexual fantasy was off last week and he was covering for him.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.21.08

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