ARgus Hamilton

ARgus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Teddy Kennedy was hospitalized Saturday after the senator had a couple of mild seizures. Doctors told reporters it’s common for a man his age. It could have been very serious, John McCain was almost killed in the stampede to be his vice president.
Hillary Clinton lauded Ted Kennedy Saturday although he backs Obama. She bears no grudges. No one wants to say she has a voodoo doll but after Ted Kennedy went to the hospital, Ken Starr slept without back pain for the first time since Whitewater.
Big Brown captured the Preakness at Pimlico on Saturday. It’s the second leg of racing’s Triple Crown. The first leg is the Kentucky Derby, the second leg is the Preakness, the third leg is what makes them all the money when they retire from racing.
The Kentucky Horse Racing Authority announced Friday that the euthanized filly Eight Belles tested negative for steroids. Everyone was relieved to hear the test results. If she had tested positive for steroids she would have been shot for perjury.
New England coach Bill Belichick lashed out at cheating accusations against him on the CBS Evening News Friday. Everyone in football knows he runs a loose ship. Bill Belichick has a lifetime offer from USC to be the school’s director of NCAA compliance.
Albert Einstein’s letter to a philosopher was auctioned Friday for four hundred thousand dollars. He’s the most famous scientist ever. His theory of relativity demonstrated that once you become successful, your relatives come out of the woodwork.
A Prestonwood Baptist Church minister was arrested for the online solicitation of a thirteen-year-old girl in Dallas. The underage girl turned out to be the cops. This wouldn’t happen if Baptists could go to bars where women are carded on the way in.
Barack Obama found himself being attacked by President Bush in Israel Thursday, capping off a long week for him. The day before, he apologized for calling somebody sweetie. He was thanking John Edwards for endorsing him and couldn’t remember his name.
Hillary Clinton told an Oregon crowd Saturday she has been declared dead many times and it’s always premature, adding that she hopes it’s premature this time, too. We might as well elect her and get it over with. If Hillary Clinton turns out to be immortal she’s going to run for president every four years for the rest of eternity.
The U.S. Border Patrol began installing razor-sharp concertina wire on top of the border fence between the U.S. and Mexico Friday. This could backfire. That razor wire is going to be tough on our uniforms when our troops go down there to get Mexico’s oil.
President Bush declared Saturday that the solution to America’s energy problem is more aggressive domestic exploration of oil. This is ominous. If his quest for oil were any more aggressive, he would be awarding petroleum engineers the Iron Cross.
President Bush said Tuesday he’s giving up golf out of respect for U.S. soldiers in Iraq. It’s noblesse oblige. His dad was president the day Saddam Hussein sent his army into Kuwait and he had to ask the next three groups if he could play through.
President Bush blasted Barack Obama while in Israel Thursday for being willing to talk to Iran. He really is the wartime president. Iran is listed by the White House as a state sponsor of terrorism along with Syria, North Korea, late-night comedians, the cast of Saturday Night Live, your own two eyes and the English language.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.20.08

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