Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Saudi Arabia refused President Bush’s request Friday to increase oil production to lower gas prices. The Saudis aren’t our friends. Every day it becomes more and more apparent that U.S. troops landed in Iraq because President Bush used too much club.
The Los Angeles Coliseum finalized a deal with the USC Trojans Thursday that will keep the college team playing there for decades. Extensive renovations are part of the deal. Each Trojan player’s locker will have a table he can get paid under.
The U.S. Senate voted by an overwhelming margin Friday to pass the three hundred billion dollar farm bill. It’s a good bill. Farmers aren’t looking for a handout, just enough to maintain their sense of rugged individualism and frontier independence.
The National Rifle Association convention in Louisville Friday paid tribute to Charlton Heston. The late star was a proud gun owner and advocate of law and order. He had no friends in Los Angeles until the riots broke out, and then he was made king.
Hollywood private eye Tony Pellicano was convicted Thursday for wiretapping movie stars. They all testified against him. There haven’t been this many celebrities in court since Robert Blake gave a seminar on how to save money on divorce attorneys.
The New Orleans Hornets game was delayed last week when firemen couldn’t put out a flaming hoop on the court. The pyrotechnics were planned. If the fire wasn’t able to hold viewers through halftime, the network was going to arrange a slow-speed car chase.
Hillary Clinton campaigned in Oregon and Kentucky Friday. Her chances depend on her winning both primaries. She needs a miracle, but unfortunately she used up her quota of miracles when she prayed for her husband to stay faithful during the campaign.
President Bush compared Iran to Nazi Germany in Israel Thursday. He might have said this to incite Israel to attack Iran. Comparing anyone to a Nazi in Israel is like doing jokes about Abe Lincoln’s assassination in America, it’s still too soon.
President Bush likened Democrats who would talk to Iran to Hitler’s appeasers Thursday in Israel. The name is still magic. The History Channel used to air two shows a night about Nazi Germany until the Hitler family started demanding residuals.
Barack Obama led a media backlash against President Bush Friday for comparing him to Nazi appeasers. The media denounces anyone who brings up Barack’s racist church pastor, Barack’s radical friends, or Barack being an appeaser. What good is free speech if the presidential candidates can’t call each other terrorists and Nazis?
John McCain gave a speech Thursday in which he pretended five years had passed and he was looking back on his first term. America was prosperous, the Iraq war was won, Osama was captured and John McCain was still alive. It really strained credulity.
The Energy Department on Friday suspended buying seventy-six thousand barrels of oil per day for storage inside the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. There’s no threat of a shortage in the strategic corn reserve. Hee-Haw will run in syndication forever.
The White House revealed Thursday the vice president is worth three times what the president is worth in dollars. That will even out soon. Once they get out of office, President Bush will be a Saudi prince while Dick Cheney will only be a sheikh.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.19.08

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