By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel aired footage of a brushfire in Florida and cyclone damage in Burma Monday. There were also earthquakes in China and tornadoes in Oklahoma. It looks like President Bush was right all along in believing the planet is our enemy.
Methodist minister Kirbyjon Caldwell of Houston performed Jenna Bush’s wedding at the ranch in Crawford Saturday. He’s a close friend of President Bush, however he’s endorsed Obama. All the pastors who support Obama have embarrassing associations.
The Lundberg Survey reported that gas prices hit a record high Monday. It has so reduced discretionary driving that freeway traffic is flowing better than ever before. The Los Angeles organ donor hotline is calling it an embarrassment of riches.
USC basketball star O.J. Mayo was alleged to have received thousands in cash and gifts from an agent over the last four years. The school isn’t worried. They can investigate all they want but they will never get a jury to convict O.J. in Los Angeles.
Roger Clemens was excluded from the Olympic baseball team Friday. It’s for the best. There’s no point in having security surrounding the Olympic Village if you are going to let Roger Clemens sleep next door to all those 15-year-old gymnasts.
The Chicago White Sox were caught with two female blow-up dolls in their locker room. They look terrible. The dolls were intended to be good-luck charms, but the players keep jabbing them with needles thinking it will make their breasts bigger.
The Washington Post reported Monday on the print media and cable news attempts to anoint Barack Obama the nominee. It seems one-sided. A dove appeared out of nowhere in the West Virginia skies yesterday and made Hillary Clinton wish she had worn a hat.
Barack Obama was in Missouri Tuesday for a conference held in Rush Limbaugh’s hometown of Cape Girardeau. He was getting routed in West Virginia and trailing big in Kentucky. Eight Belles had a prettier victory lap at Churchill Downs last Saturday.
Hillary Clinton won the West Virginia primary Tuesday. She successfully argued that she can win working-class whites, women, and Hispanic voters. Hillary has had more rationales for continuing her candidacy than George Bush had for staying in Iraq.
Barack Obama wore a U.S. flag pin on his lapel Monday for the first time in months. It’s no mystery. His pollster told him the only way he’s going to be elected president is if Jeremiah Wright drops dead of a heart attack before the Democratic convention.
President Bush told CBS News on Monday that when he meets Saudi King Abdullah on his Mideast trip this week they will discuss oil prices. It’s no secret why he will be flying to Egypt and Saudi Arabia and Israel. He would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Vladimir Putin settled into his new job as prime minister of Russia Monday by bringing all his top advisors into new cabinet positions. He may not be president anymore, but there’s no doubt who’s in charge. The only difference between Vladimir Putin and Dick Cheney is that Vladimir Putin poisons his hunting partners.
The U.S. Marines announced Monday they’ve already exceeded this year’s recruiting goal and they are running ahead of next year. Some people love to knock heads. Our top medal used to be the Congressional Medal of Honor and now it’s Viking of the Week.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 5.14.08