Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House assured Americans Friday that the six hundred dollar income tax rebate checks were mailed. People also get three hundred dollars for each child they have. You’re never going to discourage polygamy in Texas with policies like that.
Tom Cruise’s movie about the German officer who tried to kill Adolf Hitler was shelved by the studio Sunday after awful test screenings. The actor’s too unpopular. Movie audiences aren’t supposed to cheer when Hitler survives your attempt to kill him.
NBC Dateline ran an old interview with Charles Manson Saturday from twenty years ago. He said industry was melting the polar ice caps and destroying the ozone. The Nobel Committee just called Al Gore and told him he’s going to have to split the Peace Prize.
Kentucky’s U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell loaded up a farm bill with aid for horse breeders. He guards his state’s horse racing, tobacco and bourbon interests. Kentucky’s entire purpose is to show young people you don’t have to do drugs to have a good time.
O.J. Simpson’s ex-agent Mike Gilbert claims in his new book that O.J. confessed to him that he murdered his wife while they were smoking pot together twelve years ago. One mystery is solved. This explains why O.J. and Kato Kaelin went to McDonald’s the night of the murder.
Boston Celtics player Paul Pierce was fined for giving a gang hand sign during a game. The commissioner is worried about gang associations. He’s bringing in Michael Jordan to teach the young players sports gambling in hopes it will improve the league’s image.
Hillary Clinton is favored to clobber Barack Obama in West Virginia today by forty percentage points. She gets no help from cable news shows or the print media. People magazine covered Hillary’s victory in Indiana in its Where Are They Now section.
Barack Obama spent Mother’s Day in Chicago with his family, saying he was ready for a day away from the campaign trail. He can take the whole week off. His wife’s comments cost him any chance of a victory in West Virginia, she made him quit smoking.
Bill Clinton told West Virginians Hillary needs a landslide today. He vowed if they give her a win by six hundred thousand votes they can make the earth move. It takes a talented politician to fit that many people into the back seat of his Mustang.
Teddy Kennedy said Sunday that Hillary Clinton was not in tune with the nobler aspirations of the American people. It’s the new family line. The Kennedy men have stayed on the high road ever since pepper spray was invented to make it a fair fight.
President Bush gave away daughter Jenna in marriage Saturday in Crawford in an outdoor ceremony. The president had a large cross constructed out of Texas limestone which was used as an altar. Halliburton built the cross for six hundred million dollars.
Justice Clarence Thomas gave a commencement speech at Georgia Sunday. The same thing happens at all these exercises. The commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that individuality is the key to success.
The Swiss government issued guidelines Friday respecting the dignity of plants and protecting every plant’s ability to reproduce. No one knew until this moment that plants have dignity. From now on, all salad dressing will be white tie and tails.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.13.08

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