Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: ARgus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Frank Sinatra adorns the first-class stamp today as the Postal Service salutes Old Blue Eyes. He would no longer like that nickname. In today’s world any Democrat who was old and blue-eyed would be stigmatized as a Hillary supporter with no rhythm.
Hillary Clinton led in the national polls Friday yet superdelegates continued to abandon her ship. She absolutely refuses to discuss an exit strategy because she thinks she can still win. The Iraq strategy is not only a failure, it’s a contagion.
Teddy Kennedy said Friday Hillary Clinton should not be Barack Obama’s running mate because she’s not worthy of it. Teddy’s support has been an invaluable help to Obama. The Kennedy family has a long history of getting rid of troublesome blondes.
John McCain said Barack Obama is clearly the choice of Hamas after a terrorist leader had praised the Democrat. Obama objected to McCain’s remark immediately. He’s slept through sermons for 20 years and he’s not going to be blindsided again.
John McCain denied Friday he told a Beverly Hills dinner party seven years ago he didn’t vote for President Bush. It’s he-said-they-said. There’s no recording of the alleged conversation because Beverly Hills was not yet on the Terrorist Watch List.
CNN’s Paul Begala said Tuesday Barack Obama can’t win in November with only the support of eggheads and black voters. It’s hopeless anyway. Democrats have to defeat a war hero and a loose cannon, and there’s no coalition in America that can beat that.
John McCain’s aides accused Barack Obama of playing the age card Thursday when he said McCain may have lost his bearings. There’s nothing wrong with reaching 72 years of age. The cost of living has done nothing to make it less popular.
Barack Obama’s Mideast advisor Robert Malley resigned Friday after reports that he met with Hamas as part of his think-tank job. It’s important for Obama to understand them. They are the only group in the world outside of the Clintons who will stop at nothing.
Burma’s government relented Thursday and allowed one planeload of cyclone aid into the country from the United States. It’s only right. The government failed to meet the needs of its own citizens after the oceanic catastrophe, and so did Burma.
Jenna Bush was married in Crawford Saturday with 200 friends and family members attending. It strained the municipal services. Crawford is so small the town does not have a sanitation department, a cleaning lady just comes in once a week.
Roger Clemens was excluded from the U.S. Olympic baseball team Friday by general manager Bob Watson. There’s more evidence that he’s done steroids. The prom tuxedo he rented last week is six sizes larger than the prom tuxedo he rented 10 years ago.
Weather Channel anchor Bob Stokes was sued by his co-anchor Hillary Andrews for sexual harassment Tuesday. There’s a reason why so many Oklahoma babies are born in January. There’s something about a woman during tornado season that’s irresistible.
Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez said Friday he will back the rebels in Colombia trying to overthrow the pro-U.S. government. That would give him control of Venezuelan oil and Colombian cocaine. This is the kind of leverage you need to get your screenplay read in Hollywood.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.12.08

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