By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Laura Bush said Monday the entire Bush family will be in Crawford this weekend for Jenna’s marriage to former White House aide Henry Hager. Jenna is the first-born by 20 minutes. That means when she becomes queen, he’ll be the Duke of Exxon.
Rush Limbaugh took credit for Hillary Clinton’s Indiana win Tuesday. It evened out. All the Limbaugh people who crossed over from the GOP to vote for Hillary were canceled out by all the dead people who crossed over from Chicago to vote for Barack.
Bill Clinton was reported in the Globe tabloid to be infuriated by rumors of Hillary having a lesbian relationship with a female aide. The story is ridiculous. Anyone who’s seen Hillary’s schedule would know that it’s been a year since she’s been in bed.
Indiana poll workers turned away a dozen nuns trying to vote Tuesday when they didn’t have photo IDs. They all walked out in a huff. Al Gore saw the clip and said it was just more evidence of global warming to see penguins this close to the equator.
Hillary Clinton took her campaign to the hills of West Virginia Wednesday. She won in Indiana and Pennsylvania and leads big in Kentucky and West Virginia. Hillary would leave the Methodist Church and convert to coal if she had an ounce of gratitude.
Roger Clemens apologized for unspecified personal mistakes on Monday following steroid charges and four new claims of adultery. It was all so foreseeable. When he was a little boy in the third grade, he was already cheating at an eighth grade level.
San Diego undercover cops busted six San Diego State fraternities for cocaine distribution Tuesday. The campus has a long and storied tradition as a party school. This is the only college in America that cancels classes on Hunter Thompson’s birthday.
Washington University released a study Wednesday detailing the harmful effects of increased drinking by women in their 40s and 50s. They didn’t study the effect of drinking on young women. There’s already been centuries of research on that.
New Jersey prosecutors filed animal cruelty charges Wednesday against a farmer who’d trained a cow to perform oral sex on him. The heat’s off horse racing. Perhaps it’s safer to keep these female animals on the racetrack where they’re in plain sight.
Stephen King defended himself Wednesday for telling children at the Library of Congress that if they can’t read they’ll wind up in Iraq. His bitterness is understandable. Until this administration took office he pretty much had the monopoly on unending blood and gore.
President Bush will fly to the Middle East Tuesday to Israel, Saudi Arabia and Egypt, where he plans to stall Palestinian peace talks. The talks he’s planning are mostly financial. Whenever a Bush retires, Saudi Arabia’s royal family gets a new member.
John McCain assured people at a town hall meeting in Michigan Wednesday that his temper will not affect his ability to govern. It might actually work in his favor. After 16 years of an adulterer and a liberator, a hothead would be like a week in Tahiti.
New Mexico police arrested self-proclaimed prophet Wayne Bent at his compound near the Colorado border. He heads a cult that considers him the Messiah. These Obama impersonators are everywhere now that it looks like he might get the nomination.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 5.9.08