By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York Yankees fan Ivonne Hernandez killed a Boston Red Sox fan on Monday by running over him in a parking lot with her car. They’d been arguing in a bar all day. Every woman in America is giving Hillary Clinton advice on how to win this thing.
Roger Clemens apologized for mistakes in his personal life Monday but he would not name them. He’s been linked to four extramarital affairs. This is what happens when you give a guy twenty million dollars a year and four days off between work days.
The Kentucky Horse Racing Authority was picketed by vocal opponents of horse racing Tuesday. They were shouted down by counter-protesters who love the sport. Some of these gambling degenerates go to the track every day, the rest just go when it’s open.
San Diego State fraternities were busted for cocaine Tuesday. You cannot shame college kids into clean living. Now that Robert Downey Jr. has a two hundred million dollar movie they know they can eventually clean up their acts and enjoy a great life.
The U.S. Marines said Tuesday they are ignoring Afghanistan’s booming poppy crop so as not to upset locals. They say they are there to fight the Taliban, not opium. They took an oath when they signed up to follow the dope no matter where he sends them.
New Jersey’s former governor Jim McGreevey’s divorce trial began on Court TV Tuesday. He said he’s gay, to his wife’s surprise after they had group sex with the chauffeur. They were just named the winners in a new reality show called America’s Next Clintons.
Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant was named Most Valuable Player Tuesday. No one worked harder. He spent the first half of his career fighting Shaquille O’Neal for the ball and the second half of his career fighting Jack Nicholson for camera time.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama arrived in West Virginia Wednesday following Tuesday’s primaries. You could feel the electricity in the air. It was a welcome chance for West Virginians who can’t pay their electricity bills to charge their iPods.
Barack Obama won the North Carolina presidential primary on Tuesday, ending his losing streak. He won by carrying ninety-one percent of the black vote. When did you ever think you’d see a Clinton waxing nostalgic about the poll tax?
Hillary Clinton captured the Indiana primary Tuesday. She survived the latest controversy. Old videotape of her Methodist minister surfaced in which he urged public tolerance of Prince William and Prince Harry until they’re completely grown up.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama split the primaries Tuesday. Each candidate’s supporters are ferociously loyal. The convention is three months away and already Denver officials are blaming the race riot on an overreaction by the Los Angeles Police.
New Hampshire computer programmer Fred Hollander filed a lawsuit claiming John McCain isn’t eligible to run for president. The suit says he was born in the Panama Canal Zone. The good news for John McCain is, this proves to doubters that he was born after 1903.
John McCain will speak to the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting next week in Louisville. He has annoyed the gun rights group in the past with his support for background checks at gun shows. John McCain is the second bravest man in the nation next to the guy working the metal detector next week at the Louisville airport.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 5.8.08