Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Eight Belles was euthanized in front of millions of viewers Saturday following the Kentucky Derby. The filly finished second and then was shot on the track. If they adopted this policy at the Olympics, NBC’s ratings would go right through the roof.
Barbara Walters reveals in her new book she had affairs with Sen. Edward Brooke and Sen. John Warner back in the 70s. She’s a great American. There was a time when you slept with a senator for your country and not for five hundred dollars.
Roger Clemens apologized for personal mistakes Sunday which center around the affair he had that began when the girl was fifteen. Admitting it may be a ploy for sympathy. He just has to introduce her as his page and Congress will get off his case.
Major League Baseball reported a large increase in attendance in April despite the slumping U.S. economy. Even small-market teams are doing well. The Kansas City Royals enjoyed record April revenues and that was just by growing corn in right field.
“Iron Man” starring Robert Downey Jr. made $200 million Sunday. He plays a superhero who shoots napalm out of his hand. Everyone’s shocked you could make so much money at the box office by capitalizing on nostalgia for the Vietnam War.
Hollywood sounded the alarm Monday when the first week of May TV ratings revealed a double-digit drop in network viewers. They’ve all gone to cable. The only way the networks could compete with Hillary and Barack would be with live impeachment coverage.
Laura Bush offered Burma recovery aid Monday after its major cyclone. The entire country is devastated. Laura said it’s a humanitarian crisis, Al Gore said it’s more evidence of global warming, and President Bush said we will get whoever did this.
Hillary Clinton did the Top Ten list on David Letterman’s show Monday. Republicans don’t get to do the Top Ten list for legal reasons. We have a treaty with NATO which requires a twenty-four hour notification before Dick Cheney counts backwards from ten.
Democratic Party officials hailed record turnout for Tuesday’s primaries. It got ugly toward the end. After a tip from Michael Vick on Monday, both Hillary and Barack Obama were arrested on separate farms in North Carolina for breeding attack ads.
London’s Al-Hayat newspaper on Monday published portions of Saddam Hussein’s prison diary. They reveal he was worried about getting AIDS while the U.S. held him prisoner. Jeremiah Wright told him that the U.S. government was giving it to everybody.
Oprah Winfrey was reported Monday to have stopped attending Jeremiah Wright’s church but not because of his sermons. It was too crowded. Every time the pastor would express his thanks to Jesus both Oprah and Barack would stand up and take a bow.
The Gallup Poll out Monday gave Hillary Clinton a seven-point lead over Barack Obama. Hollywood favors Barack Obama with the exception of the stand-up comics. Even if Hillary Clinton is not the next president, the comedians want Bill Clinton for vice.
John McCain and 23 other GOP senators wrote to the EPA Monday asking the agency to suspend a requirement for more ethanol use. They said ethanol is causing a world food shortage and very high food prices in America. The new menu on the wall at McDonald’s invites customers to ask about their easy monthly payments.

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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.7.08

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