By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Big Brown won the Kentucky Derby Saturday, outrunning filly Eight Belles. After she finished second to Big Brown her ankles broke and she was shot right there on the racetrack. Hillary Clinton was last seen running for president with her ankles taped up.
Robert Downey Jr. was the toast of Hollywood Sunday after Iron Man grossed over one hundred million dollars. He got sober six years ago. As a result, he’s a big star again and Colombia had to start growing corn, so it’s been a win-win for everyone.
Indianapolis Colt Marvin Harrison was questioned in a shooting outside his bar Friday. A victim was wounded and a child was hit by flying glass. This is what happens in the off-season when players don’t have a healthy outlet for their urge to dog fight.
Barbara Walters admitted her affair with the first black senator Edward Brooke Friday. She was the first female morning TV host and the first Jewish evening news anchor. The affair has enough diversity points to get into any college in the country.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama finished in a virtual tie in the Guam primary Sunday. It’s in the South Pacific. For three weeks neither candidate said anything about the Texas polygamist compound for fear of offending the leading families of Guam.
Barack Obama disowned his pastor Jeremiah Wright Friday. He sat in the pew for twenty years but says he never heard anything radical. It turns out the change Barack is promising is that he will be a president who doesn’t pay attention in church.
Bill Clinton made appearances in rural North Carolina last weekend. It was hot and he ran late and more than one person in the crowd fainted when he finally began his remarks. The campaign staff doesn’t pass out the free bread until after the speech.
Hillary Clinton agreed to appear on her old arch enemy Fox News last week. Fox News and Rush Limbaugh don’t want to get rid of Bill and Hillary Clinton any more than Sherlock Holmes wants to get rid of Moriarty. What would they talk about all day?
Barack Obama said his friendship with anarchist Weatherman William Ayers is no different than his friendship with Oklahoma U.S. Senator Tom Coburn. It’s very different. The Weathermen in Chicago haven’t destroyed buildings and killed innocent people since the Seventies, but the weathermen in Oklahoma do it every tornado season.
The London Times said the U.S. military is making plans for an air strike against Iran. It won’t be easy. Last weekend Dick Cheney tried to launch a missile and it refused to leave the silo without an exit strategy that will bring it back home again.
President Bush asked Congress for twenty million dollars for Poland as a thank-you for letting us build our missile system there. Republicans don’t like it. With today’s advances in technology it seems unsportsmanlike to play Russia from the ladies’ tees.
U.S. officials in Baghdad made a deal to build a Marriott hotel in the Green Zone, including a future golf course. It practically builds itself. The location of the sand traps and today’s pin placements will be determined by last night’s mortar fire.
Roger Clemens admitted mistakes in his personal life in a Houston Chronicle interview Monday but he insisted he didn’t do steroids or HGH or a fifteen-year-old girl. His name will be forever linked with cheating, lying and underage girls. Cooperstown is out but Roger Clemens could be the first pitcher ever inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 5.6.08