Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Barbara Walters released her autobiography titled Audition Friday. In it she revealed she had an interracial affair with former Senator Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. And if this doesn’t sell books, she’s going to claim to be the mother of Barack Obama.
British Tories won a victory Friday when Conservative Boris Johnson was elected mayor of London. Immigration has become an issue in The City. Londoners who travel abroad are tired of being asked by well-meaning hotel clerks if they’re Shia or Sunni.
The Coast Guard was reported stumped Friday by cocaine runners using mini-subs for smuggling. If apprehended, the crew can scuttle the sub and jettison the drugs to the ocean floor. At least it explains why the sharks have been so aggressive lately.
A Richmond man was killed by a Civil War cannonball he found Friday which blew up and sent shrapnel through a wall two blocks away. Artillery once ringed the city. That’s how determined the Confederacy was to keep Wal-Mart from moving into town.
Robert Downey Jr. drew rave reviews in Iron Man. He’s a boozing weapons magnate by day and a terrorist-killing superhero by night. When they showed it at the White House, President Bush demanded to know who sold the screen rights to his autobiography.
President Bush addressed a crowd in St. Louis Wednesday to talk about the U.S. economy. He assured them their tax rebate checks are on the way. The average American has three hungry mouths to feed, the Land Rover, the Escalade and the Prius.
The Federal Reserve took action Tuesday to stabilize the value of U.S. currency. It’s about time. Californians have begun using dollar bills instead of lettuce in salads because they’re not only cheaper, they contain more fiber.
Hillary Clinton told the New York Times she sees a path to the nomination. She plans to fight Obama all the way to the convention. Any judge hearing this case would order the Democratic Party to attend ninety meetings in ninety days at On and On.
Hillary Clinton was introduced by an Indiana steelworker Tuesday as the candidate with testicular fortitude. She howled in delight. She’s turned herself into such an Iron Lady that every morning after she gets up, she gradually starts to point north.
Barack Obama slammed the idea of a holiday on gas taxes as a political gimmick Friday. His disdain for the idea didn’t help his image as an elitist. Every now and then Barack Obama makes Marie Antoinette look like Ma Joad in The Grapes of Wrath.
John McCain complained in Denver Friday about a Democratic Party television ad that accuses him of wanting to stay in Iraq for a hundred years. He was insulted by the commercial. He may walk like he’s a hundred but he’s not a day over seventy-one.
Ohio’s Attorney General Marc Dann admitted at his press conference Friday that he had an extramarital affair with an employee. These things always come at a high price. For starters, the next attorney general always demands a new desk and a new rug.
Somalia militants and Muslim warlords vowed revenge Friday for a United States missile attack that killed an al-Qaeda leader in Mogadishu. They weren’t the only ones who were violently upset. Americans had no idea we still had troops in Mogadishu.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.5.08

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