Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Miley Cyrus was photographed in Vanity Fair holding a satin sheet to her chest with her bare back exposed. It’s a national issue. Just when Pastor Jeremiah Wright was about out of Ku Klux Klan jokes, white people show up wearing sheets in Vanity Fair.
Roger Clemens was reported to have had an affair with a singer he met when she was fifteen. Defense lawyers are probing his past after he sued his steroid accuser for defamation. Any Indian who greeted Columbus could have warned Roger it’s the discovery that kills you.
Los Angeles firefighters rushed to put out blazes that broke out all over town Monday. It’s that time of year again. The fire marshal issued a bulletin in twelve different languages reminding everyone that it’s still only round one of the playoffs.
The Charlotte Bobcats hired Larry Brown to coach next year, a year after he was cut loose by the New York Knicks. Sports fans have lost count of the number of NBA teams he’s coached. Larry Brown has been fired more times than a Civil War cannon.
Major League Baseball announced ticket prices for the All-Star Game in Yankee Stadium. They’ll cost seven hundred and fifty dollars apiece. As soon as the government started sending out rebate checks the price of everything went up six hundred dollars.
Barack Obama divorced himself from his pastor, Jeremiah Wright, on Tuesday. He said he was shocked to hear his divisive views. It proves that if you just sit in the pew and think about yourself for twenty years you never hear a word the preacher says.
North Carolina Governor Mike Easley said Tuesday that Hillary makes Rocky look like a pansy, infuriating gays. On a day when blacks and women battled over who was more insulted, gays got insulted. It’s taken four months for the party of Jefferson to become the front row of Rickles.
Playboy will be banned from sale at military bases if Georgia congressman Paul Broun’s legislation is passed by Congress. The magazine is just too anatomically explicit. Every month, Playboy’s Party Jokes about President Bush are right on the nose.
President Bush hosted a press conference in the Rose Garden Tuesday. He blamed gas prices, food prices and the mortgage crisis on Congress. He’s delivered a lot of speeches from the Rose Garden, and where he stands it’s never grown so good before.
President Bush sent a second aircraft carrier into the Persian Gulf on Tuesday and threatened to go to war with Iran. He’s doubling down for the third time. The president has got such a gambling problem that every time the phone rings at three in the morning, it is just the front desk asking if he is going to stay another night.
The United Truckers asked the White House Tuesday to tap the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to reduce gas prices. They plan to drive very slowly on freeways Monday and bring traffic to a standstill. They could be arrested in Los Angeles for speeding.
General Motors ordered cutbacks Monday that will lay off workers at four plants in Michigan. It just adds to the growing total. Ever since we put Japan and Germany back on their feet, the Detroit Tigers have had the best day-game attendance in baseball.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.1.08

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