By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush performed stand-up comedy at the Correspondents Dinner Saturday and got huge laughs. He’s finally got everything working for him. For some reason American crowds always laugh the loudest during times of recession and disillusionment.
A great white shark killed a swimmer off the San Diego coast Friday a few days after a California bear killed a man up in the mountains. These animals have made a strategic miscalculation. There’s just as much oil in California as there is in Iraq.
Afghanistan president Hamid Karzai was nearly assassinated by machine-gunners Sunday. He dodged a thousand bullets and survived without a scratch. He owes his life to his decision to attend Bill Clinton’s leadership seminar at the Learning Annex.
Barack Obama told Fox News Sunday he does not believe race is a factor in the primary election. That Prozac is really amazing. About a month ago we found out there were prescription drugs in the drinking water and now it has spread to the Kool-Aid.
Hillary Clinton said Friday her father taught her how to shoot at her family’s lake cottage when she was a little girl. Her husband went pale. If Bill had known she could shoot he never would have considered giving up his Secret Service protection.
Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas said Sunday his peace talks with President Bush accomplished nothing. The talks were conducted under a complete media blackout. It wasn’t intended that way but the peace talks were on against the NFL draft on ESPN.
The White House announced Sunday the rebate checks will be mailed earlier than expected. It couldn’t be easier. You have the option of either having the six-hundred-dollar check mailed to you or having the money deposited directly in your gas station.
Pasadena was swept by wildfires Sunday, prompting a thousand people to evacuate their dwellings in triple-digit heat. People who lost their million-dollar homes told reporters they still felt lucky. A year ago they were three-million-dollar homes.
Northwestern Law School seniors protested Jerry Springer’s selection as the speaker at their commencement next month. The law students complained that he exploits stupid, poor and desperate people for money and comedy. To a lawyer, comedy is over the line.
Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years of prison Friday for failure to file his income taxes. In the Blade movies he played a hero who was immune to vampires. He just learned the hard way that vampires are only the minor leagues of bloodsuckers.
Al Franken led the polls Tuesday in the Minnesota U.S. Senate race. The comic is a one-issue candidate. He started out as a stop-the-war Democrat but now that the media’s moved over to stopping the Clintons, he’s just in it for the health insurance.
Washington D.C. will launch a bicycle-sharing program next month designed to encourage more Capitol Hill employees to bike to work. It could save a lot of careers in Congress. Once they hit a pothole on a bicycle, they’ll never need a hooker again.
Barack Obama’s United Church of Christ pastor Jeremiah Wright gave a fiery and defiant speech at an NAACP dinner in Detroit Sunday. He said blacks have separate rhythms, separate tones, and use a different side of the brain than white people. The next day, Barack Obama sent a coded message to the Episcopal Church saying he was coming in from the cold.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 4.29.08