By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Pope Benedict drew rave reviews from American journalists following his six-day trip to the U.S. He spent all week on television. After Pope Benedict prayed for world peace at Yankee Stadium on Sunday, Dick Cheney asked the networks for equal time.
NBC’s Deal or No Deal drew its lowest ratings ever when President Bush appeared on the show Monday. He’s magic. The show is now trillions over budget, Howie Mandel just lost his home to foreclosure, and President Bush traded the nuclear briefcase for one with a hundred dollars in it.
The New York Public Library will be renamed after billionaire Steve Schwarzman after he gave the library a hundred million dollars. That’s all it took to get a world landmark named for him. Next, the Statue of Liberty will be known as Donald Trump’s Fourth Wife.
Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in federal prison Thursday for failing to file income taxes for six years. The sentence came as a shock. He was on track to receive probation and then he said he didn’t have time to read the judge’s screenplay.
Richard Pryor’s widow announced Thursday she will auction off the late comedian’s dental plate on eBay to raise money for animal rights. In a way, it’s a public service. It’s a lesson to young people worldwide that doing cocaine will ruin your teeth.
Mel Brooks will reportedly bring his classic movie Blazing Saddles to Broadway next year. It’s about an urbane black cowboy who brings law and order to an all-white town in the Old West which comes to love him. It was Hillary’s favorite movie until about a year ago.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign raised ten million dollars from eighty thousand new donors on Wednesday. Rush Limbaugh told his listeners to stop sending her money. If Hillary had beaten Barack any harder, it would have looked like an LAPD training film.
The Tennessee Titans reportedly agreed Wednesday to trade suspended cornerback Pacman Jones to the Dallas Cowboys. In three years, he had eight altercations with police. He will fill the team’s current vacancy in the Michael Irvin chair in criminology.
Los Angeles stores started rationing rice on Friday and commodities speculators held back deliveries to run up prices. It’s a race. Asian families are hoarding their favorite food before Exxon’s chemists can figure out a way to make gasoline out of it.
The Automobile Club on Friday forecast record Memorial Day weekend highway travel despite gasoline prices nearing four dollars per gallon. The fact that it’s so expensive just makes it all the more exciting. This was Eliot Spitzer’s point all along.
The State Department said Friday that baby-selling is rampant in Vietnam. They’d better watch themselves. Americans are sick and tired of being at war in the Mideast and John McCain has been called just about every name in the book except gracious loser.
John McCain toured the Hurricane Katrina-smashed areas of New Orleans Thursday and shook his head at all the damage. He looked exhausted afterwards as he posed for cameras. Staffers had to tell reporters that the woman standing next to Senator McCain is his wife, not his caregiver.
The Treasury Department said Friday the Iraq war costs ten billion dollars a month. It just keeps adding up. That’s five thousand dollars a second, or ten thousand dollars for the time it takes you to say that Saddam Hussein was a very bad man.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 4.28.08