Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: ARgus Hamilton

OKLAHOMA CITY — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hillary Clinton drubbed Barack Obama in Pennsylvania’s primary Tuesday. It was all demographics. Little did she know when she forgave her husband for cheating it would someday inspire white guys to vote for her in gratitude for her generous example.
The Shanghai Sheraton put their window washers in Spider-Man costumes Tuesday. It got everyone’s attention. The hotel made a big mistake last year when they didn’t run a psychological profile on their window washers and handed out Superman costumes.
Obama remained upbeat Wednesday after his pummeling in Pennsylvania. He couldn’t knock her out. After Hillary finished beating him Tuesday, the makers of Waterford crystal offered Obama $10 million for the naming rights to his jaw.
Walt Disney’s amusement park design firm said Tuesday they will build a giant Disneyland-like amusement park in Baghdad. The State Department pushed Disney into doing it fast. If Six Flags got there first it would just mean three more civil wars.
Donald Trump was reported Wednesday to be considering O.J. Simpson’s request to appear on NBC’s Celebrity Apprentice. It’s a perfect pairing. They’re both stars, they’re both loathed by women, and they’re both famous for their cutthroat business techniques.
CNN anchor Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park Friday with a rope tied around his neck and genitals. His bosses at CNN were alarmed. If Larry King tried that with his suspenders they could lose a valuable host when the blue pill kicked in.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expanded his probe of the New England Patriots in Spygate. No wonder Condi Rice wants to be commissioner. She’d come to the job with a stack of executive orders saying it’s OK for patriots to spy in order to win.
The Tudors was picked up by Showtime for a third season on Tuesday and stars Jonathan Rhys Meyers as King Henry VIII. Its success is no surprise. You knew that when reality shows caught on it would eventually lead to beheading wives on television.
Laura Bush insisted Tuesday she won’t run for office after she leaves the White House in January. Her record’s not good. If she hadn’t forced her husband to quit drinking 20 years ago we’d have a president today who was at peace with the world.
The White House secretly briefed congressmen Wednesday about its concerns that North Korea built a nuclear plant in Syria. It’s no secret. You can see what the Israeli air force did to the plant six months ago if you Google the word smithereens.
Rush Limbaugh got thousands of Republicans to vote for Hillary Tuesday. He was unapologetic. After much soul searching, Rush decided to sacrifice his conservative principles for the candidate who will be better for jokes during the next eight years.
North Carolina Republicans ran a commercial Thursday showing Obama with his pastor Jeremiah Wright. Then it shows the minister denouncing America. Obama blasted Republicans for running the ad, John McCain asked Republicans to remove the ad, and Hillary denied doing sexual favors for North Carolina Republicans.
The U.N. nuclear watchdog agency reached agreement with Iran on Wednesday and hailed it as a milestone. The timing was no accident. Iran just commissioned a personality profile on Sen. John McCain which reveals he makes President Bush look like Gandhi.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.25.08

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