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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Iditarod got under way in Alaska Saturday amid a drug scandal. Sled drivers blow marijuana in the dogs’ faces to calm them down. Maybe now they’ll stop blaming the vanishing wildlife there on the oil companies and start blaming it on the munchies.
The Grand Canyon was intentionally flooded Wednesday when Colorado River locks were thrown open by civil engineers. It was the fastest way to clear away all the real estate agents and stock brokers piling up down there. There’s only so many mules.
Bret Favre retired Tuesday after 17 Hall-of-Fame seasons with the Green Bay Packers. Blame it on the Democrats. Wisconsin has such an efficient cradle-to-grave welfare system that everybody in the state is able to retire at 38.
Mississippi holds a primary Tuesday with 33 Democratic delegates at stake. The Census says Mississippi’s population is 60 percent white and 40 percent black. That means Hillary has four days to get the Voting Rights Act repealed.
President Bush warned Tuesday the U.S. will back Colombia if it goes to war with Ecuador and Venezuela. He chose the cocaine country over two oil countries. The president is serious about ending our addiction to oil, and one out of two isn’t bad.
Beverly Hills private eye Tony Pellicano went on trial Wednesday for illegally wiretapping Hollywood movie stars in lawsuits. The FBI isn’t involved. If Sylvester Stallone is constructing a bomb, that’s strictly between the studio and theater owners.
Mary Carey graduated from Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Wednesday. She was both a porno movie star and a California governor candidate. So her opinion carries weight when she says Hillary would photograph better if she were on top of the ticket.
Hillary Clinton said Wednes-day she could share a ticket with Barack Obama. The problem is with stereotypes. He refuses to be her driver and she refuses to be his secretary and Michelle Obama refuses to sit in the back of the bus with Bill Clinton.
Barack Obama warned he will raise questions about Hillary’s financial dealings, saying she started it. She brought up a shady real estate deal he transacted with crooked donor Tony Rezko back in Chicago. There is always one disciple who goes wrong.
John McCain welcomed Pastor James Hagee’s endorsement Monday despite the man’s diatribes against the Catholic Church. A lot of Republicans find it offensive when the pastor begins talking about the Great Whore. John McCain got out of the cash-for-favors business when he gave up the chairmanship of the Senate Commerce Committee.
President Bush endorsed John McCain in the Rose Garden Wednesday. Eight years ago Bush spread rumors in South Carolina that McCain fathered a black child, and on Wednesday Bush endorsed him. The toughest thing about dirty tricks is topping yourself.
President Bush stood next to a Mack truck at the Renewable Energy Conference Wednesday in Washington. It’s powered by alternative fuel. A year from now, Yuppies will be driving their kids to school in Mack trucks and bragging that they’re saving the earth.
Barack Obama said Hillary Clinton’s appearance on Satur-day Night Live helped her beat him Tuesday. It’s taken 16 years for Hillary to make humor work for her, not against her. Young people could never comprehend the number of jokes at the expense of Polish people, dumb blondes and Texas Aggies before the Clintons came along.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.7.08

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