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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Bret Favre retired Tuesday, saying he wanted to go home to his farm in Southern Mississippi. It was a money decision. Green Bay offered him twenty million to play football but the Agriculture Department offered him thirty million not to grow cotton.
The Los Angeles Marathon drew a record number of runners Sunday for the twenty-six-mile run through town. The finishing times were a bit slow this year. Half the competitors stopped to pick up their dry cleaning and their kids just to save the gas.
President Bush said Tuesday it would be a mistake for OPEC not to increase oil output. Americans were all ears. President Bush knows nothing about the world, the economy or the environment, but nobody questions his expertise in the area of mistakes.
Britney Spears broke up with her boyfriend Monday a week after she surrendered custody of her two kids. That’s the way it goes. With gas nearing four dollars per gallon, everyone in Los Angeles is having to make hard choices in order to stay mobile.
Oklahoma City residents voted Tuesday on a hundred million dollar plan to lure an NBA team. Nothing was overlooked. The money will be used to upgrade the existing arena, to construct a practice facility, and to build church facades over the strip bars.
Hollywood private eye Tony Pellicano went on trial Wednesday for illegally wiretapping male movie stars in divorce cases. The divorces were inevitable. These guys reside in Hollywood, where a fool and his money get to meet a lot of great babes.
Hillary Clinton made a goal line stand Tuesday in Texas, Ohio and Rhode Island primaries and halted Barack Obama’s momentum. She got a lot of late deciders. There was a knock on her bedroom door at two in the morning and, of all people, it was Bill.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama attacked each other Tuesday as the primaries settled nothing. It looks like a bloodbath all the way to the convention. They both have Secret Service protection so there is no telling how it’s going to turn out.
Hillary Clinton spent the nights before Tuesday’s primaries getting big laughs on Saturday Night Live and on Jon Stewart’s Daily Show. It’s helpful. With every audience she kills, she gets a little closer to matching John McCain’s Vietnam record.
John McCain capped a major comeback Tuesday by seizing the GOP nomination with four primary wins. He was left for dead last summer. Then on Tuesday night, Ohio, Texas, Rhode Island and Vermont tied Israel’s record for most number of resurrections.
John McCain angered conservatives with his victory speech Tuesday. He thanked all the Democrats and independents for giving him the Republican nomination. Rush Limbaugh’s doctors conferred the next morning and unanimously agreed to put him back on Hillbilly Heroin.
John McCain clinched the GOP nomination with four primary wins Tuesday. He was born on an American military base in the Panama Canal Zone. This means in four years Arnold Schwarzenegger will be able to run for president by arguing that the year he was born, Austria had enough U.S. tanks in it to qualify as an American military base.
President Bush phoned the newly-elected president of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev, to congratulate him on Sunday. It was a tense conversation. It’s not clear just how much power the president has with Dick Cheney behind the scenes as the prime minister.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.6.08

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