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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Kenyans blamed Hillary Clinton for circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban in Kenya. They demanded she pay his father’s village one American cow for this insult. Foreigners will risk Mad Cow disease before they will take the U.S. dollar.
Barack Obama expressed anger Sunday over misperceptions that he’s Muslim. It’s nothing to worry about. Having the middle name Hussein doesn’t make Barack Obama a Muslim any more than the middle name Walker makes President Bush a twelve-year-old Scotch.
Hillary Clinton aired a new set of campaign commercials Friday which question Barack Obama’s readiness to be a responsible U.S. commander in chief. Hillary must be careful comparing Barack Obama to President Bush. There are libel laws to consider.
Barack Obama told Ohio voters Sunday that he’s tired of people questioning his religion and spreading rumors he’s Muslim. He said every night he prays directly to Jesus Christ. In truth it’s not so much a prayer as it is a support group for saviors.
Hillary Clinton went on NBC’s Saturday Night Live for a sketch and the cast was especially polite to her. They sure love her on that show. This time tomorrow her picture could be in the studio hallway right next to John Belushi’s and Chris Farley’s.
The Dallas Morning News endorsed Mike Huckabee Sunday, praising his evangelical and moral certitude. It could backfire on the GOP. When the rapture occurs and the righteous are called to heaven, it could leave the Democrats with a permanent majority.
West Virginia’s governor ripped a Hollywood casting call ad in a West Virginia newspaper seeking abnormal or inbred-looking people for an Appalachian horror film. They don’t need this. West Virginians have been on the Jerry Springer show so often they all have medical, pension and life insurance through the actors’ union.
The Pew Center on the States released a study Thursday claiming that one in every one hundred Americans is in prison. It’s a source of pride for some. O.J. Simpson will brag to anyone on the golf course that he always tested in the ninety-nine percentile.
Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane vowed Monday to honor his personal services contract with Roger Clemens. He loves the guy. He will change the team colors back to orange if it makes Roger feel less conspicuous picking up trash along the roadside.
President Bush on Sunday hosted the prime minister of Denmark. It’s the country that produced the Anglo-Saxons who seized England and Normandy fifteen hundred years ago, then moved on to conquer North America, Australia, India, New Zealand and South Africa. The Iraq policy has a lineage that goes back like the first chapter of Matthew.
Prince Harry was welcomed home from Afghanistan Sunday at Heathrow Airport. He got off the plane still wearing full body armor. He got into the outfit on the plane because he heard that photographers were waiting in England to shoot him.
The U.S. Navy announced on Sunday an American military helicopter fired a guided missile and hit and killed an al-Qaeda leader in Baghdad. The target was from Saudi Arabia. King Abdullah was very upset until we explained that the terrorist was disguised as a woman who had just had lunch alone with a man who isn’t a family member.
The Democratic Party holds more primaries today and the pollsters’ latest snapshots show Hillary on top of Obama in Ohio and Barack on top of Hillary in Texas. Today there’ll be no losers. Larry Flynt just offered ten million dollars for the snapshots.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.4.08

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