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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Daniel Day-Lewis won the Academy Award for Best Actor Sunday for his role in There Will Be Blood. He portrays a greed-crazed oil man and a born-again Christian. He deserves an Oscar for playing both the vice president and president in one picture.
The Academy Awards show got the lowest ratings in its history Sunday for ABC. Next year’s ratings are certain to be much better. With Tom Cruise playing a one-eyed Nazi colonel against Frank Langella as Nixon, the advertising time is already sold out.
Jennifer Lopez was offered six million dollars by People magazine for the first picture of her new twins. No one’s surprised the photo is worth six million dollars. What no one could believe is that she was willing to dress up her babies as Marilyn Monroe.
Southern California surfers enjoyed fifteen-foot waves after a monstrous storm off the Pacific on Monday. One surfer was reported missing. He was filling up his car at the Chevron station in Malibu and he got pulled under by four dollars a gallon.
Southern Methodist University faced a lawsuit on Monday from bishops and clergy who don’t want President Bush’s library on campus. It won’t be that expensive to clear space for the library. President Bush has a history of doing his own demolition.
President Bush slammed Congress for refusing to pass a warrantless wiretapping bill that gives legal immunity to phone companies. There’s no public sympathy for it. Protecting the phone company is like making sure O.J. Simpson gets a fair trial.
Cuba’s parliament Sunday named Raul Castro to replace his ailing brother Fidel as president. Fidel resigned last week citing gastro-intestinal problems. The CIA can only console itself with the knowledge that some poisons take forty-five years to work.
The New York Philharmonic orchestra landed in North Korea Monday for a concert in the hermit kingdom. It’s part of an effort to warm up ties between the two nations. Either that or the 1812 Overture is another sneaky test of our missile defense system.
John McCain said Monday if he can’t convince Americans the U.S. policy in Iraq is succeeding, he will lose. Every day he tells voters that the surge is working just fine. And he wonders why nobody believes his denials about the affair with a lobbyist.
Ralph Nader launched his presidential bid on Meet the Press Sunday. Democrats had to shudder. Ralph Nader has such a reputation as a spoiler that U.S. agriculture officials have orders to shoot him on sight if they see him near a meat packing plant.
Barack Obama cried foul Monday when a photograph surfaced of him in Kenya last year wearing a Muslim turban. The Clinton campaign has a distinct advantage in this field. All of Bill’s scandals occurred just before the cell phone camera was invented.
Gennifer Flowers said Monday she is going to sell the recordings of her phone conversations with Bill Clinton. She said there’s historical interest in the tapes of a sitting American president talking to his mistress. It’s of historical interest to young people who want to know what phone sex was like before there were chat rooms.
Barack Obama met off-camera Monday with Jewish leaders who wanted to hear his support for Israel. They’re worried about his willingness to talk to Iran, his ties to Jimmy Carter advisors, and his endorsement by Louis Farrakhan. They wanted to remind him privately that if he’s going to be Jesus, he has to remember he is Jewish.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenge 2.27.08

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