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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick walked off the field with two seconds left in the Super Bowl on Sunday with his team about to lose. It looked extremely unsportsmanlike. Even Richard Nixon waved good-bye before he got inside the helicopter.
The Super Bowl attracted ninety-eight million TV viewers Sunday. Only the opening night of the bombing of Baghdad in the Persian Gulf War drew more viewers to a live event. A brain scan couldn’t give you a better look at the mind of the American voter.
Senator Arlen Specter publicly asked NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Sunday why he let New England off the hook so easily for video spying on other teams. Mr. Goodell said he saw no further wrongdoing in the tapes. Once a year pro sports commissioners have to appear to be blind or they lose their right to park in the handicapped spots.
Bill Clinton flew to Santa Fe Sunday to watch the Super Bowl with New Mexico’s governor Bill Richardson. He went there for a very specific reason. You can’t be president for eight years without finding out which state makes the best guacamole.
The Interior Department accused U.S. Park Police of lax security at U.S. monuments, including the Statue of Liberty and the Lincoln Memorial. It’s not all bad news. After seven years of President Bush, we know nothing’s going to happen to Mt. Rushmore.
President Bush on Monday became the first president to post his federal budget online and not print the four thousand page document on paper. That’s surprising. The motto beneath the Bush family crest is, the fewer the trees the wider the fairways.
The Los Angeles Times reported on the Iron Man fad among Baby Boomers on Monday. The generation that snorted its way through the Disco Era is now doing triathlons. If we don’t stop looking so healthy and fit we may get a second chance at evading the draft.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg began a major effort Monday to get on the ballot as a third-party presidential candidate nationwide. He’s a very serious candidate. Mike Bloomberg believes you should start every day with a smile and get it over with.
Britney Spears was ordered to remain in UCLA Medical Center’s psychiatric unit for two weeks Monday. She faces a strict regimen after that. Her doctor said she must avoid excitement for awhile, so she is going to work for the Mitt Romney campaign.
Mitt Romney campaigned in California to cheering crowds on Monday. He declared he’s the candidate for the American dream. The American dream is that if you go to work early and work late each night and pay your taxes you’ll get ahead, if you strike oil.
Hillary Clinton was at Yale Monday to reunite with an old legal colleague from her days as a child advocate. She got emotional. It’s been so long since she’s been face-to-face with a former law partner without a glass partition and a guard watching.
Ethel Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama Monday, following Patrick Kennedy and Teddy and Caroline into Barack Obama’s camp. The liberal wing says they want to keep hope alive and Republicans can’t answer. They have enough trouble keeping Dick Cheney alive.
Russia’s envoy to NATO warned Poland’s government Sunday not to let the United States build a missile defense system on its soil. Missiles are a serious threat to Poland. With gasoline at three dollars per gallon, only Californians are driving tanks.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.6.08

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