Skip to content

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Eli Manning led New York to Super Bowl victory Sunday a year after his brother Peyton Manning won the Super Bowl for Indianapolis. The money is going to roll in now. By next week Archie Manning will be commanding higher stud fees than Secretariat.
GOP Senator Arlen Specter confronted NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Sunday for protecting the Patriots. He destroyed tapes of the team spying on opponents. Roger Goodell’s picture is on the box of two football video games, All Madden and All Nixon.
The New York Giants defeated New England in a historic upset in the Super Bowl Sunday. It was a week of upsets. Three days earlier, Los Angeles County paramedics defeated Britney Spears, which ended her hopes of going the entire season undiagnosed.
Entertainment Tonight opted Thursday not to air video of the late Heath Ledger partying in West Hollywood. It showed him snorting cocaine with a bunch of other celebrities. It was the background video for the show’s opening credits for two years.
Groundhog Day drew thousands to the celebration’s headquarters in Pennsylvania Saturday. It looks bad. Punxsutawney Phil came out and saw that he’s got six weeks to get out of his tree before the bank takes back the property and padlocks the hole.
The Mormon Church’s president Gordon Hinckley died in Utah last week at age ninety-seven. He witnessed a tremendous amount of change during his lifetime. The first time Gordon Hinckley visited Utah’s Dinosaur National Monument it was a zoo.
The Berkeley City Council in California voted last week to tell the U.S. Marine recruiting office to leave town. This was inevitable. The war in Iraq has deployed all available U.S. soldiers to the Middle East, leaving Berkeley dangerously unopposed.
Super Tuesday could decide the presidential nominees in primaries across America today. The field is shrinking. Last week Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race and endorsed John McCain and John Edwards dropped out and endorsed Vidal Sassoon.
Bill Clinton told black church crowds in Los Angeles Sunday he’s been told by pollsters that everyone is voting by race and gender this year, so he understands if they don’t vote for Hillary Tuesday. What could he say? He wanted to tell them that they will never work in show business again but with the writers’ strike, nobody will.
President Bush said Sunday he wants to hire another thousand diplomats to work in the State Department. With one year left in office he’s suddenly interested in diplomacy to solve international problems. This is known as a deathbed conversion.
President Bush told Fox News that his legacy will be that he began a war which lasts for two generations. This is what happens when everyone’s under pressure. The Fox News staff didn’t have time to take Barack Obama’s speech out of the TelePrompTer.
Iraq passed a law with U.S. approval Sunday letting Saddam Hussein’s top officials back in power in Baghdad. It’s a clever move. The thinking is, if we can put Iraq back the way it was, we can tiptoe out of there before anybody knows we’ve been there.
The Gallup Poll says forty percent of Americans are worried about having Bill Clinton back in the White House. That should improve as voters think it through. Americans are so sick and tired of one catastrophic foreign policy mistake after another that inappropriate sexual conduct will be welcomed back like Charles Lindbergh.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.5.08

Leave a Comment