By: Argus Hamilton
OKLAHOMA CITY — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Wall Street pulled off a stunning three hundred point comeback Wednesday after a global market sell-off Monday. Uncertainty permeates the stock exchange. Nobody knows which securities are backed by mortgages and which are backed by Super Bowl bets.
Eli Manning leads the New York Giants into the Super Bowl a year after brother Peyton Manning did it with Indianapolis. It’s amazing. Tom Cruise is having to deny rumors that his wife has been impregnated by frozen sperm belonging to Archie Manning.
Shaquille O’Neal released his list of living expenses on Thursday showing that he spent two hundred fifty thousand dollars on gasoline in the last twelve months. He is so smart. He got out of real estate and into gasoline at exactly the right time.
Phil Mickelson played the Buick Invitational in La Jolla despite his recurring cough. He has the same breathing problems that plague his neighbors in suburban San Diego. Everybody in Rancho de Second Mortgage likes to blame it on the brushfires.
St. Louis University’s just-hired basketball coach Rick Majerus told a reporter he’s pro-choice, causing a firestorm. It’s a Catholic school and administrators feel betrayed. The only reason they took him in is because he looks twelve months pregnant.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama broke into an open brawl Tuesday during South Carolina’s debate before a record-size cable audience. History was made. Usually you have to go all the way to Darfur to see a fight this nasty with no white males in it.
Bill Clinton made headlines again Wednesday fending off attacks from all sides on the trail. One campaign is all about health care, one is all about unity, one is all about the working classes, but the voters aren’t fooled. It’s always about Bill.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama battled over personal qualities Tuesday. They have the same position on health care, the Iraq war, national security and the economy. And that position is, my campaign’s historic and you’re not going to stop me.
Mitt Romney said the world can’t ignore Iran like it ignored Adolf Hitler. It’s a numbers game. He thinks he can lock up the 20 percent of Americans who still support President Bush by showing that he has what it takes to lie us into another war.
Dick Cheney called for Congress to authorize permanent warrantless wiretapping Wednesday. Conservatives are horrified. Just because Dick Cheney isn’t cheating on his wife doesn’t mean other Republicans want to let Hillary Clinton listen to their calls.
The White House tried to prevent recession on Friday in the wake of Wall Street jitters, the mortgage crash and spreading foreclosures. It’s clear what happened. The president offered the devil his soul if he could make Iraq look like a success story.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 1.28.08