Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New England Patriots play the New York Giants in the Super Bowl in Phoenix in ten days. Most of the nation doesn’t care which team wins. At this point people are just glad they are going to play the game and not debate a dozen times beforehand.
The Weather Channel said the cold winter in the Midwest and South is likely to continue due to a northern jet stream. The meteorologists say El Nino is long gone. Apparently he went back home when the slump hit the housing and construction industry.
The PGA Tour begins its California swing this week with the Buick Invitational at Torrey Pines in La Jolla. Buick is the perfect car for people who live in La Jolla. It sends a message to kidnappers that you are right on the edge of foreclosure.
John Daly withdrew from the Bob Hope Classic Saturday citing a rib injury but he was fine the night before when he went out drinking. He has admitted he’s got a few issues. John Daly’s got more than a few issues, he’s got an entire year’s subscription.
Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps secured his title as the World’s Fastest Swimmer Saturday by winning twice in Long Beach. He’s a world hero. To the people of Cuba their president may be Fidel Castro, but their man with the plan is Michael Phelps.
U.S. News and World Report said Hillary Clinton, if elected, won’t ask her husband to handle social duties. They’ll have a social office. It’ll be staffed by Arkansas state troopers since they have the most experience managing Bill Clinton’s social life.
Barack Obama began airing endorsements from fellow senators Tuesday. His peers say they noticed his humility when he first came to Capitol Hill. Humility is the trait that’s widely believed in Washington to be the first sign of unbridled ambition.
Pope Benedict was disinvited from speaking at a college in Italy Friday due to his opposition to evolution. He works at his own pace. Pope Benedict likes to stay one step ahead of the Nazi hunters and two years behind the Kansas Board of Education.
President Bush indicated Tuesday he will maintain current troop levels in Iraq for the remainder of his presidency. He’s being consistent. President Bush isn’t going to order U.S. troops home until someone convinces him that there’s oil in America.
President Bush’s proposed presidential library location at SMU remained on hold Monday as a campus debate raged over whether to house the Bush Institute. It’s a chance to be part of history. Among presidents George W. Bush has no equals, only superiors.
Hillary Clinton noted in the South Carolina debate Monday that as a lawyer, Barack Obama once represented a notorious Chicago slumlord. It’s in a neighborhood that is very dangerous. When families there plan their budget they allow for hold-up money.
John McCain courted the Cuban vote in Miami as he pulled into the lead for the Republican Party nomination. He was a little self-serving. John McCain told them that just because Fidel Castro is old, that does not mean he’s going to die in office.
Osama bin Laden’s son Omar bin Laden said in Cairo Monday that he’s calling upon his father to change his ways and renounce terrorism. The son is a building contractor. Of all the reasons ever given for Osama bin Laden to blow up buildings all over the world, no one ever considered that it might be to throw his son a little business.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.24.08

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