By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Rudy Giuliani vowed Sunday in Florida to defend America from those who hate us, but he’s fallen in the polls. His old message is no longer working. Now that we’re paying a hundred dollars a barrel they still hate us, but they’re in no rush to kill us.
The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers Sunday in subzero weather. They were forced to play at night by the Fox Network. Leave it to an ally of the Bush administration to come up with a new way to torture Americans with Muslim first names.
UCLA infuriated their basketball fans Saturday by banning anybody from getting John Wooden’s autograph at courtside. He simply can’t shake the hand of every fan who wants to meet him. At ninety-eight he can’t afford to catch everybody’s head cold.
Commissioner Bud Selig got a lucrative contract extension Friday from baseball owners. What a swell bunch of guys. The New York Mets wanted to name their ballpark Jackie Robinson Stadium but his widow could only come up with two million dollars a year.
The New York Post said the Associated Press bureau chief in Los Angeles ordered his reporters to cover Britney Spears. She’s now real news. Los Angeles may not have much mass transit but we have a train wreck every other night on Sunset Boulevard.
Lindsay Lohan was ordered to work in a morgue Friday as part of her community service sentence. This is insane. Within the year the makers of formaldehyde will be paying Lindsay Lohan millions of dollars to endorse their product as a party drug.
Hillary Clinton addressed a Harlem church on Martin Luther King Sunday. She is a real Methodist. When Hillary was first asked to speak on King Sunday she checked the church calendar to see if this year is King James, King Charles or King George III.
Barack Obama spoke at Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta Sunday. The Democrat may become the first black president. The only way Republicans will have a black president is if Dick Cheney takes the oath of office wearing his Darth Vader costume.
Barack Obama said Monday he will confront Bill Clinton about recent inaccurate statements. Barack Obama says we’re one nation, John Edwards says there are two Americas, Bill Clinton says he’s changed his ways. Clearly, somebody is lying.
Chuck Norris said Sunday John McCain is so old his vice president will probably finish his first term. It’s awful. The next day John McCain was deluged by calls from fellow senators offering to endorse him in exchange for the vice presidential nod.
Congressman Henry Waxman said Friday the White House staff erased four hundred days of e-mails. Now they can’t investigate anything. The Kansas School Board just required all science classes in Kansas to teach that open government is just a theory.
Russia delivered half a ton of nuclear fuel to Iran Sunday, which couldn’t help but attract the attention of the Bush administration. Now we know why there are no Iranians onboard the Starship Enterprise. It’s because Star Trek is set in the future.
Cuba held parliamentary elections throughout the island Sunday. There was only one name on the ballot in each district and no campaigning allowed. For the forty-ninth year Fidel Castro was unanimously elected president by a vote of one to nothing.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 1.23.08