By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Palazzo Hotel and Casino had its grand opening on the Las Vegas Strip over the weekend. The place is just huge. The hotel offers all three kinds of gambling — a casino, a wedding chapel and a banquet room for the Democratic presidential caucuses.
Bobby Fischer died Friday at the age of sixty-four. The chess genius descended into madness later in life with his anti-American ravings. There are no firm rules about who’s sane and who’s insane, the definition is made by the people with the key.
Russia’s General Yuri Balu-yevsky said on Saturday Russia could use its nuclear weapons in preventative strikes. It’s nothing to worry about. Yes, it’s true that one of their missiles shot down a satellite last month, but they were aiming at China.
Mitt Romney won the Nevada GOP caucuses by a big margin on Saturday. He was finally in a situation where being a Mormon helped him. The caucuses were held at nine in the morning on Saturday, and in Las Vegas the Mormons are the only ones up at that hour.
Fred Thompson finished fourth in the South Carolina primary Saturday. He could be very proud of his candidacy. No actor got more airtime during the writers’ strike than he did except Britney Spears, and Fred Thompson did it wearing underwear.
Hillary Clinton swept almost all the casino caucuses in Nevada Saturday except the one at Caesar’s Palace, won by Barack Obama. That itself was surprising. People just assumed that any place with an emperor would automatically be for President Bush.
Ron Paul’s supporters celebrated Saturday when he finished second behind Mitt Romney in Nevada. They know it’s not over. They figure that after the prettiest candidate is disqualified over old nude photos, the first runner-up will be declared the winner.
Mike Huckabee did great in South Carolina’s GOP primary due to the evangelical turnout. Freezing weather kept turnout low. It was so cold in South Carolina that protesters were demanding Admiral Byrd’s flag be taken down at the state capitol.
John McCain won in South Carolina Saturday by supporting the Iraq war. Two-thirds of the voters there say they’re satisfied with President Bush’s record. The state that fired the first shot in the Civil War has no problems with pre-emptive war.
John Edwards was routed and embarrassed in Nevada’s primary Saturday, receiving only four percent of all the votes cast. He never had a chance to win the votes of those casino workers. John Edwards is in favor of soaking the rich, and that’s their job.
Hillary Clinton ripped Presi-dent Bush for having to ask King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia to lower oil prices. There had to be some hurt feelings when he refused. Abdullah is such a close friend of his dad’s that President Bush calls him Uncle King.
Rudy Giuliani campaigned in the Florida Everglades Saturday in the state where he urgently needs a primary win. He knows how to curry favor in a swamp. Rudy gave the alligators the day off and wore a cotton golf shirt with a little terrorist on it.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 1.22.08