By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The San Francisco Zoo victim just confessed he was drunk and taunted the tiger into attacking. The tiger was taunted by a drunk and now he’s dead. The only difference between the tiger and Saddam Hussein is that President Bush still denies he’s drinking.
Mayor Mike Bloomberg was in Austin Friday to meet with a former Ross Perot man who is an expert on ballot access. He looks like he’s going to run for president as an Independent. If you’re tired of presidents who talk to Jesus, he could be your guy.
Green Bay was named America’s most overweight city in a national health survey published in a journal last week. It must be true. At the tailgate parties before Sunday’s title game at Lambeau Field, the fans were all doing Thousand Island shooters.
Golfweek magazine fired its editor Friday for putting a noose on the cover, referring to a bad joke on the Golf Channel last week. The sport must be careful. Al Sharpton watches the Golf Channel the same way that lottery players watch the ten o’clock news.
World Chess legend Bobby Fischer died last Friday in Iceland. He once beat the Soviet champion and the IBM supercomputer in successive matches. Bobby Fischer was eulogized as the only man in the world who routinely referred to Bill Gates as Retardo.
President Bush proposed tax rebates to hold up a sinking U.S. economy Friday. It wasn’t all bad news. For years President Bush said terrorists hate America because of our freedom and prosperity, and today they have to think of a new reason to hate us.
President Bush gave a speech Friday calling for Congress to pass a one hundred and fifty billion dollar stimulus package. Reaction varied. Hillary Clinton called it only a start, Mike Huckabee expressed his wholehearted approval, and Barack Obama said it is dirty pool to bring up his youthful experimentation with stimulus packages.
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson addressed reporters Friday about the proposed stimulus package. The need is urgent. The home mortgage crisis hit a new low that night when three of the network news shows did feature stories about squatter’s rights.
Washington D.C. police sent the bomb squad to the U.S. Capitol Friday to check out a truck abandoned by a man they caught with a shotgun. He also carried a bow and a Samurai sword. He was quickly taken into custody and named Assistant Secretary of State.
Bill Clinton lost his temper at a reporter when asked Wednesday if he’s trying to suppress Nevada turnout. Everyone understands why the former president is so agitated. It’s the tenth anniversary of the Monica Lewinsky scandal and he’s due again.
Mitt Romney tried to connect with Las Vegas voters on a personal level Friday in campaign stops. He doesn’t gamble, drink or cheat on his wife, but he can do one thing no other candidate can do for the Nevada voter. Mitt Romney can buy their house.
Barack Obama raised the ire of Democrats Wednesday by praising Ronald Reagan’s vision. That’s as far as his wife would let him go to carry Nevada. She put her foot down when he tried to put a Confederate flag on the back of his campaign bus.
Arnold Schwarzenegger warned of a huge budget deficit Friday. He may order ten percent spending cuts. He doesn’t want to go to Washington to ask for help because he’s afraid if he goes to Capitol Hill he’ll be dragged into a steroid hearing.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.21.08