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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
UFOs were seen by dozens of people in the skies over central Texas Monday. The ships were described as huge and shiny and lightning fast. The only explanation science can offer is that the Germans were showing off again at the Detroit Auto Show.
The Food and Drug Admini-stration ruled Tuesday that cloned sheep and cloned cattle are safe to eat. It’s scary. If cloning is successfully tested on humans we could be alternating Bushes and Clintons in the White House for the next two thousand years.
President Bush flew to Egypt Wednesday where he was greeted by President Hosni Mubarek on landing. It was his eighth country on the trip. President Bush kissed so many Arab men this week that he was mistaken for Princess Diana at three of his stops.
O.J. Simpson was hauled in front of a female judge Wednesday in Clark County Courthouse in Las Vegas, where she gave him a scalding lecture assailing his common sense and intelligence. The woman ripped him to shreds. What goes around comes around.
The American Civil Liberties Union said Wednesday that sex in a public bathroom stall is private and legal. It’s sad. All the work that public health officials did to convince people they cannot get AIDS from a toilet seat is pretty much down the drain.
The Green Bay Packers host the New York Giants Sunday on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, where the weatherman is forecasting a high of 12 degrees and a low of five degrees. Summer up there is pretty short. It generally falls on Tuesday.
The American Red Cross announced Wednesday it is having to cut staff jobs due to a decline in donations last year. What could people do? After their mortgage lenders came after their blood in the fourth quarter, there was little left for the Red Cross.
Hillary Clinton won the debate with Barack Obama and John Edwards Tuesday. She somehow got Obama to give up the race issue and Edwards to stop saying how poor he used to be. All women have to do is threaten to cry and men just do whatever they say.
Hillary Clinton told Tyra Banks this week she’ll hold a contest to pick a name to call her husband if she’s elected president. She was humoring the host. No one seriously thinks Hillary Clinton needs any help thinking of names to call her husband.
Mitt Romney faced religious questions in South Carolina Thursday. Five million Mormons are descended from several dozen families who settled in Utah only eight generations ago. Never believe a Mormon who says that football is his favorite sport.
John McCain restated his opposition to the Confederate flag Wednesday in South Carolina. He loves telling people what they don’t want to hear. He told people in Michigan their jobs are never coming back, he told South Carolina the Rebel flag is wrong, and when he gets to California, he plans to tell everybody their actual age.
Mike Huckabee said Tuesday the Constitution must conform to the Bible. This is insane. The Bible prohibits the eating of shellfish, and the Republicans have no shortage of Episcopalians they can nominate if Mike Huckabee wants to outlaw lobster.
President Bush hailed Palestinians for their new democracy Monday. It’s a noble experiment. The idea is to take a nation that’s one-third snipers, one-third bomb makers and one-third kidnappers and see what happens when you give them majority rule.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at
Published in The Messenger 1.18.08

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