Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush marched with King Abdullah in a Saudi Arabian parade Tuesday. He did it for posterity. Someday when daughter Jenna Bush runs for president she’ll be the only Republican candidate in history who can say that her father marched with King.
The Green Bay Packers combat the New York Giants for the NFC title Sunday with the game time temperature forecast at ten degrees. The players are bracing for it. The trainers have their syringes ready but it turns out anti-freeze is a banned substance.
Commissioner Bud Selig testified before Congress about steroid use in baseball Tuesday. He represents team owners and they’re furious. All the billions of dollars they raked in during the steroids era is being devalued by the plummeting U.S. currency.
A Year with the Queen was bought Tuesday by ABC, which will air the documentary film about Queen Elizabeth’s private life and public duties. The ratings should be tremendous. The less Americans like our presidential choices, the better Plan A looks.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards discussed their policy ideas and legislative proposals in a debate before a crowd in Las Vegas Tuesday. It was their audience. People only come to Las Vegas because they want something for nothing.
Mitt Romney won the GOP presidential primary in Michigan Monday. High gasoline prices worked for him. Auto industry voters suddenly realized it would be nice for the country to have all the oil it will ever need right there in the president’s hair.
Mitt Romney’s win in Michigan followed Mike Huckabee’s win in Iowa and John McCain’s victory in New Hampshire. All the Republicans have won one primary. Like a really bad poker tournament, the nomination’s going to go to the first candidate who draws a pair.
Hillary Clinton was the only Democratic candidate on Michigan’s primary ballot Monday after Barack Obama and John Edwards dropped out. Her opponent on the ballot was a box marked Uncommitted. It’s the first time she’s ever run against her husband.
Hillary Clinton went on offense in Tuesday’s debate and explained the source of her policy ideas. She declared that her program is based on the voices she’s heard for thirty-five years. The last thing we need are two presidents in a row who hear voices.
Barack Obama played down his support for nuclear energy Tuesday in Nevada. If there’s a nuclear accident at a proposed nuclear waste site in Nevada, it could be hell. The whole economy of Las Vegas would collapse if people could see through cards.
Condi Rice made a surprise visit to Baghdad Tuesday in the middle of President Bush’s Middle East tour. She met with the prime minister and told him not to squander any more opportunities. He agreed he should take the pill that works for thirty-six hours.
President Bush did the sword dance when he marched in a Saudi Arabian military parade Tuesday. He swayed left and right in perfect choreography with a Saudi honor guard as they marched down the street together arm-in-arm with swords held high. If it looked any gayer he would be impeached by the Cowboy Hall of Fame in Oklahoma City.
Wesley Snipes arrived in federal court in Florida on Monday to stand trial for failure to pay his income taxes for years. If the federal government incarcerates him they’ll never get their money back. Prison movies never do well at the box office.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.17.08

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