By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — Happy Tuesday, Oklahoma and how’s everybody?
The Dallas Cowboys were shocked by the underdog New York Giants and eliminated from the NFL playoffs on Sunday. The fans are outraged. Next weekend every Sunday school in Dallas will be reading children the Old Testament story of Tony and Delilah.
The Detroit Auto Show unveiled fifty new models for six thousand journalists Sunday. The new sport utility vehicles are larger than ever. The average American car weighs fifty percent more than it did twenty years ago but then so does the average American.
Bill Clinton made black people feel betrayed last week when he implied that Barack Obama’s candidacy was a fairy tale. They protected him against Republicans. Bill Clinton is the first white Southerner to move into Harlem for his own personal safety.
GOP candidate Ron Paul scheduled another huge Internet fundraiser this holiday Monday. It’s a perfect date. It allows him to tell Michigan voters the fundraiser is on Martin Luther King’s birthday and South Carolina voters it’s on Robert E. Lee’s.
Rudy Giuliani spoke at an evangelical church in Miami Sunday. They like him the more they hear him. For the Second Coming to occur, the world must come to an end, and the evangelicals have sized up Rudy as the most belligerent candidate in the race.
Mike Huckabee said a woman in Michigan told him on Friday she had no money to donate so she offered him a gold ring. He took it. It’s an example of why fortune tellers are promising comedians eight years of Nixon jokes if Huckabee gets elected president.
Hillary Clinton went on NBC’s Meet the Press Sunday to answer charges that she has made unflattering remarks about civil rights heroes. She looked puzzled when she was asked about the King criticism. She would never criticize Elvis, she’s married to him.
Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of injecting race into the campaign. Last week, her husband said the word fairy in the same sentence as Obama’s name, and she just used the word injections. Now that the Clintons have implied that he’s gay and shares needles, Barack Obama could carry California without even campaigning out here.
Hollywood movie producer Jon Peters was sued twice for sexual harassment last week. He was sued by his office maid and his house maid. Whoever said Viagra only costs ten dollars a pill must be the same guy who said Iraq’s oil will pay for the war.
The Globe tabloid showed scratches on President Bush’s face when he returned from Crawford as evidence of marriage trouble. Things have changed. When Bill Clinton used to come downstairs with scratches on his face you knew he was having a good week.
President Bush was welcomed to Bahrain by King Hamad bin Isa al-Khalifa Saturday at the royal palace. The king gave the president Bahrain’s highest award. President Bush was thrilled to be awarded Employee of the Month but he doesn’t need the parking space.
President Bush continued beating the war drums against Iran Sunday in a speech in the United Arab Emirates. It never ends. The president said the government of Iran is the most dangerous government in the entire world, but he’s just being modest.
O.J. Simpson was flown back to Las Vegas and jailed on Wednesday. This is a town that lets you drink alcohol on the streets and gamble and buy hookers twenty-four hours a day. It takes an athlete of O.J. Simpson’s caliber to break the law in Las Vegas.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.15.08