By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
O.J. Simpson was flown to Las Vegas and jailed on Friday for bail violation. The value of his memorabilia is way up. The blood at the crime scene tested negative for steroids the day he set an NFL record for most number of people killed in one day.
Tarnished Heisman is a new book detailing a sports marketer’s claim that he handed Reggie Bush three hundred thousand cash while he was still in school. It’s like that for all USC star athletes. The moment they turn pro, their best earning years are behind them.
Marion Jones went to prison Friday for lying about steroids and Barry Bonds has been indicted for lying about steroids. It’s so sad. If they had it to do all over again they would have lied about weapons of mass destruction and saved the legal fees.
The Palazzo hotel is set to open in Las Vegas on Friday and it’s fifty stories tall with a huge showroom. The Strip is always growing and changing. Three of the old hotels are scheduled for implosion just as soon as al-Qaeda can get a free weekend.
Homeland Security announced Friday that in six years all driver’s licenses will be tamper-proof national ID cards. It’s a red alert. Everybody in Los Angeles now has six years to pick a year of birth they can get away with on camera and stick to it.
Dr. Ron Paul’s presidential campaign set up a new information blog Friday. It’s called the Daily Dose. When the retired gynecologist found out that his staffers had named their blog the Daily Dose, he wrote everyone a prescription for penicillin.
Bill Clinton was a guest on Al Sharpton’s show Friday after he was slammed in the black community for calling Barack Obama’s story a fairy tale. The remark galvanized both sides of the racial divide. Within hours the black community solidified behind Barack Obama and the Los Angeles police offered Bill Clinton a badge and a patrol car.
President Bush stopped in Kuwait City on his Middle East trip Friday. He tried to start a war with Iran while he was in range of their missiles. Before he even returns home Congress might change the name of the presidential plane to Air Head One.
The White House announces today it will sell Saudi Arabia twenty billion dollars worth of jet bombers with precision-guided bombs. Not to worry. We’re also going to sell Israel twenty billion dollars worth of anti-aircraft missiles to shoot them down.
President Bush informed Israel Thursday that they must end their occupation of Palestinian land they took in a war. It was awkward. The Israelis were too polite to tell President Bush that under his theory, he has to give his ranch back to Mexico.
Scotland Yard detectives arrived in Pakistan to render an honest investigation into Benazir Bhutto’s assassination last week. it’s about time. No one believed the military government’s announcement that Benazir Bhutto was killed by an escaped tiger.
Hillary Clinton was campaigning door-to-door in Nevada Friday when one man told her his wife was illegal and Hillary told him that no woman is illegal. She misspoke. What she meant to say is that there’s nothing a woman can do in Nevada that’s illegal.
Hillary Clinton was advised to skip the South Carolina primary on Friday after Barack Obama opened up a double-digit lead. That’s very good advice. Barack Obama’s ancestors were black on his father’s side of the family and slave owners on his mother’s side, so it is completely pointless to run against him in South Carolina.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.14.08