Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hillary Clinton took off the gloves against Barack Obama Wednesday. Everyone’s looking forward to this match-up. It promises to be such a dogfight that Michael Vick has to vote Republican just to keep from violating the terms of his plea bargain.
The Iranian government accused the Pentagon Wednesday of fabricating the video and audio of Iranian gunboats threatening U.S. warships. It had better not be true. The Writers Guild forbids the United States from making up stories during the strike.
Tony Romo spent last weekend in Mexico with Jessica Simpson, where she promoted her new movie and revealed her plans to record a country album. He’s way out of his league. Tigers are fenced off at the Los Angeles Zoo to guard them from actresses.
Britney Spears abandoned her Mercedes-Benz on Sunset Boulevard Monday when the car had a flat. She flagged a ride home. Social Services in Los Angeles will hold a hearing next week to decide if she should ever be allowed to drive a Mercedes again.
President Bush was briefed on Iraqi reconstruction efforts Monday at the White House. The country is going to begin promoting tourism. There’s always plenty of parking because most of the people who drive in from neighboring countries just blow up.
Barack Obama supporters blamed their defeat in New Hampshire Tuesday on what’s called the Tom Bradley effect, where people tell pollsters they will vote for a black candidate but don’t in the voting booth. It’s a great victory for democracy. Why should candidates be the only ones who are allowed to lie about what they’re going to do?
Sen. Larry Craig’s lawyer appealed his lewd conduct bust in an airport bathroom. It just isn’t fair. They strip everyone down at airport security and expect senators to control themselves, which is like asking the pilots to stop at half a beer.
Golf Digest reports Tiger Woods made a $120 million last year and he will be a billionaire in two years. Good for him. Swinging a golf club is the most unnaturalact in sports except for winning the Cy Young award seven times.
Terry Bradshaw said Tuesday he’ll retire when his contract ends in three years at Fox Sports. He just appeared nude from the back in the movie “Failure to Launch,” prompting protests from theater owners. These guys live and die on their concession stand sales.
Bill Richardson dropped out of the presidential race Wednesday after a valiant effort. He needs to get back home. It’s been so long since he was in New Mexico the voters were starting to believe that they had outsourced the job of governor to India.
Mike Huckabee gave the sermon Sunday at the Crossing Evangelical Church in New Hampshire. It may have backfired on him. When Hillary Clinton and John McCain won Tuesday, New Hampshire broke Israel’s all-time record for most number of resurrections.
Hillary Clinton’s win Tuesday was attributed to her teary-eyed moment in a New Hampshire diner. It had to happen eventually. Sooner or later waitresses in the state were going to start automatically adding a 15 percent gratuity to the bill.
Rudy Giuliani began his presidential campaign in earnest on Monday in socially conservative Florida. The former New York mayor is pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, pro-gun control and once did skits in drag on Saturday Night Live. Nobody ever considered the possibility that the World Trade Center attacks were orchestrated by Pat Robertson.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.14.08

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