Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Bush began a peace trip to the Middle East on Wednesday. No one doubts that he means well. With cameras rolling Tuesday, President Bush stood next to the president of Turkey on the White House lawn and issued his annual Thanksgiving pardon.
French president Nicolas Sarkozy vacationed in Egypt this week with supermodel turned singer Carla Bruni. He divorced his wife last summer and began going out with supermodels. It just shows how much the French admire our system of quarterbacks.
Tom Cruise angrily denied reports Monday his daughter Suri was fathered by the frozen sperm of late Scientology founder Ron Hubbard. It could kill him at the box office. What kind of a leading man has a wife who cheats on him with a turkey baster?
Men’s Health magazine this month lists ten ways for men to help improve their prostate health. Far too many men simply live with the problem. In Los Angeles, ten percent of men get up and go to the bathroom at night while ninety percent get up and go home.
The Golden Globes awards show was canceled Monday because no one would cross the writers’ picket line. It’s a shame. Without their writers, Jon Stewart’s jokes and Conan O’Brien’s jokes were favored to win the award for Best Silent Feature.
New Hampshire and Iowa were allowed again to set the tone for the presidential race this week. This is way too much influence for two small, white states. When the race gets to California there won’t be a candidate still in it who speaks the language.
Hillary Clinton upset Barack Obama in New Hampshire Tuesday, confounding expert pundits and pollsters. What a night for her. If she had spent the entire hundred million dollars on lingerie Hillary couldn’t have been more attractive to her husband.
John McCain fell prey to vanity when he won in New Hampshire Tuesday. He tried to read his victory speech to the crowd without his reading glasses. For the second time in his career he began blinking to the camera in Morse Code for a rescue chopper.
Hillary Clinton upended Barack Obama by three points Tuesday. It had pollsters struggling for a politically correct way to explain why. People always wondered if voters were more racist or sexist, and now we know there is a three point difference.
NBC News reported Tuesday that people in Hillary’s campaign were searching to find a constructive role for Bill Clinton. That morning he called Barack Obama’s claim to have opposed invading Iraq five years ago a fairy tale. Now he faces a cultural backlash for referring to a black man and saying the word fairy in the same sentence.
Hillary Clinton regained her momentum Tuesday by winning in New Hampshire. Not everybody was happy. Bill O’Reilly leaped over the twenty-foot fence around his desk and mauled three teenagers who were walking through the studio on the Fox News tour.
The New Hampshire primary ended with thank-you speeches late Tuesday. Everyone had trouble getting their message out to the nation. The candidates should never keep shouting the word change to three hundred million people with a TV remote in their hands.
The White House ordered the go-ahead Monday on a controversial program to let Mexican trucks travel on U.S. roads. Congress passed a law against it but the president doesn’t care. Nancy Pelosi immediately announced that impeachment was off the freeway.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.10.08

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