By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Roger Clemens denied steroid use on CBS 60 Minutes Sunday, and on the same show Pakistan’s Pervez Musharraf denied having a hand in Benazir Bhutto’s assassination last week. The ratings were huge. Everyone loves liar’s poker night on CBS 60 Minutes.
Britney Spears was hospitalized in hysterics Friday after police took her kids from her. She had taken one hundred mood-altering pills washed down by a cocktail of vodka, NyQuil and Red Bull. The next morning John Daly hired her as his swing coach.
Dr. Phil said he now has a doctor-client relationship with Britney Spears after Friday’s meltdown. She was taken to a mental ward. She was so disoriented she did not know if it’s the Clintons’ turn to be president or the Bushes’ turn to be president.
Bill Clinton sounded exhausted Monday when asked to speculate about his wife’s chances in New Hampshire. He said he wished she were taller, younger and male. If there were ever any doubts they aren’t sleeping together, this should put them to rest.
Senator Hillary Clinton welled up with emotion and got teary-eyed on Monday as she sat at a table with undecided voters in a New Hampshire restaurant. The voters have clearly heard enough from the presidential candidates. They’re resorting to mace.
Panasonic wowed an electronics convention Monday by unveiling the world’s largest television, which has a twelve-foot screen. It shows every wrinkle. They tuned it in to Barack Obama making a speech and everyone agreed he’s too old to be president.
Barack Obama led the polls Monday going into the New Hampshire primary. He received worshipful news coverage all week after Iowa. The media is so reverential toward Obama that Mike Huckabee has asked him to stand behind him in an Easter commercial.
Rudy Giuliani’s supporters campaigned for him in New Hampshire wearing Yankees caps and jerseys Monday. It was a mistake. If Rudy was serious about ending terrorism he wouldn’t send his people into Red Sox Nation dressed like Bronx Bombers.
David Boren hosted a summit of leading centrists Monday at Oklahoma University amid speculation they’re forming a new party. What were they thinking? If you want to be taken seriously you don’t start a new party at the nation’s leading party school.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg flew to Oklahoma Monday to attend the conference of centrists. It had to be a humbling experience for him. He may be the mayor of the greatest city in the world but down in oil country, he’s just another billionaire.
The U.S. Navy almost fired on five swarming Iranian gunboats in the Straits of Hormuz Sunday. At the last second the Iranians fled to avoid starting a war. Dick Cheney’s horoscope told him that morning that today he would miss perfect happiness by an inch.
President Bush left Tuesday for his Middle East trip to drum up support against Iran’s government. The day before, Mr. Bush admitted Iran has no nuclear weapons program, but he said that just clarifies the threat. He’s right, we can see right through him.
President Bush is on an eight-day trip to the Mideast beginning with Israel and ending in Saudi Arabia. He won’t get much press coverage while overseas. The press corps is going to stay at the White House to watch Oprah measure for drapes.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.9.08