By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Entertainment Tonight aired video of a celebrity meltdown Saturday. Everyone’s favorite blonde was strapped on a gurney and taken to a mental ward, crying that her husband ruined her life. It could get worse if she doesn’t win New Hampshire tonight.
General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner will address the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas today and reveal company plans for a driverless car. It’s not that far-fetched an idea. They’ve been testing the prototype in the Oval Office for seven years.
President Bush will fly to the Middle East today to make the case that Iran is a threat. He wants war even though Iran has no nuclear weapons. It’s the biggest overreaction to slingshots since that tiger jumped the fence at the San Francisco Zoo.
The San Francisco Zoo reopened Thursday, one week after the Siberian tiger leaped over its twenty-foot fence and attacked customers. Attendance at the zoo doubled after the tiger tore up three people. Who says negative campaigning doesn’t work?
The New Hampshire primary could narrow the field of presidential candidates today. Everyone’s battling for the mantle of change. Last night Barack Obama called for change, John Edwards said he’s the agent of change, Hillary Clinton said she had already made change, and Ron Paul’s supporters gave him another ten million and change.
Fox News excluded Ron Paul from its GOP presidential debate on Sunday, sparking fury. The network hates any criticism of the president. They even edited the news footage of Malibu in flames last month to take out the scenes of the bushes under fire.
George McGovern called for President Bush and Dick Cheney to be impeached over the war Sunday. It’s a bit late. If they start the impeachment now, by the time it gets to the Senate they will be putting President Obama on trial for past cocaine use.
Mitt Romney won the Wyoming caucuses by a landslide Saturday. He was finally able to communicate what he can offer the American people. Forget national security and taxes, everyone wants to know how they can look the same as they did thirty years ago.
Mike Huckabee continued to make the rounds of late-night talk shows Monday. It is tricky. When he said he thinks it’s okay to teach creationism in public schools, the Hollywood Writers Guild accused him of writing jokes in violation of strike rules.
Mike Huckabee exasperated conservative Republicans Thursday by winning in Iowa and seizing momentum. No one wants to claim him. When Mike Huckabee attacks wealth and privilege, even the Russians say he’s not our mole, we don’t swing that way anymore.
Roger Clemens was asked Friday to testify before the House Oversight Committee investigating the use of steroids. He should meet with the lawmakers. Roger Clemens was such a bad liar on CBS’ 60 Minutes Sunday, he could use some pointers from the pros.
Los Angeles was pounded by three rainstorms Friday that left thousands without power and publicity. That explains why Dr. Phil rushed to Cedars-Sinai Hospital to see Britney Spears. They have an emergency generator that can send out press releases.
Britney Spears was taken to a hospital after she stood off police outside her bedroom door Friday. She was drinking and drugging and a had a gun and her baby in the bedroom. Police were summoned when neighbors thought they smelled cigarette smoke.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 1.08.08