Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Rose Parade was held in downtown Pasadena on New Year’s Day with over a million parade watchers in attendance. Some things never change. The float that got the biggest cheer was an over-inflated appraisal followed by a no-money-down loan.
The New York Giants hired a repair crew Tuesday to get their press box escalator repaired. It malfunctioned after their last game. The escalator stopped running with Terry Bradshaw on it, stranding him and causing him to miss his flight home to Dallas.
The New York Jets said Monday they will sell beer again next year after Sunday’s one-day ban. Drunken fans were encouraging women to strip. You knew if those old stadiums didn’t get rid of those poles that someone would find a way to make some money off them.
Baylor College of Medicine said Tuesday it’s making a vaccine that removes the high that people get when they use cocaine. It’s a Baptist school. In two years the Baptist Church will celebrate four hundred years of taking the fun out of everything.
Ralph Nader endorsed John Edwards for president Monday, citing the candidate’s labor backing. He became famous as a crusader for auto safety. Ralph Nader was the only one to blame Benazir Bhutto’s death on the fact that she was not wearing a helmet.
Mike Huckabee flew to Hollywood from Iowa Wednesday to make a guest appearance on the Tonight Show starring Jay Leno. No one in the crowd will know who he is. At least half of Los Angeles thinks the Iowa caucus is some form of strep throat.
The Iowa caucuses will be held tonight after a year of nonstop campaigning by the presidential candidates. Many Iowans are sad to see this circus end. After the candidates leave, the farmers will have to go back to fertilizing the crops themselves.
The Los Angeles Times said Mitt Romney ran shell companies in Bermuda and the Cayman Islands. They helped investors evade U.S. taxes. For a party that started the American Revolution, Republicans sure seem to have gotten over their hatred of British tax laws.
Mitt Romney campaigned on New Year’s Day in Iowa by dropping in on house parties where people were watching bowl games. He loves going door-to-door. Mitt once addressed a convention of Mormon missionaries and all they wanted to hear was knock-knock jokes.
Fox News drew protests by excluding Ron Paul from the GOP debate this Sunday. He wants to pull out of Iraq because it was unconstitutional to invade it. The last time Ron Paul was on Fox News, Dick Cheney missed the TV set and shot a priceless antique vase.
President Bush signed a bill Monday which toughens the Freedom of Information Act. The law will make it harder for the government to keep secrets after he leaves office. It’s exactly the way Thomas Jefferson freed his slaves, in his will.
President Bush went on radio Saturday to comfort those who have trouble making ends meet. His own future is set. Bob Uecker made a fortune as a banquet speaker by telling stories about his years as the worst baseball player in Major League history.
Iranian scientists announced on Tuesday that their nation’s first cloned sheep is now fifteen months old and doing well. The sheep is just a test project of the Iranian government. The big research money is going into making Iraq a clone of Iran.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.3.08

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