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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Enjoy part two of our annual look back at things that made us laugh in 2007. Happy New Year!
JULY — Hillary Clinton was in Miami to speak to the conference of the National Council of La Raza. During her speech, Hillary highlighted her close personal and professional relationships with prominent Hispanic leaders. She even married Don Juan.
The Los Angeles Dodgers invited one hundred kids to Dodger Stadium to participate in a Steroids Awareness Program. Maybe it did some good. The kids spent two hours lecturing the players about the dangers of using performance-enhancing drugs.
AUGUST — Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s home-run record in San Francisco. After the blast, Aaron saluted Bonds in a taped message on the centerfield screen. Fans couldn’t help but notice that Hank Aaron’s head looked much bigger than they remembered.
President Bush created a panel to find a way to monitor the quality of Chinese food imports. He’s concerned about people getting sick. The difference between food poisoning and President Bush is that poisoned food has an exit strategy.
SEPTEMBER — Idaho U.S. Sen. Larry Craig called a press conference to insist he is not gay. He had just pleaded guilty to lewd conduct in a men’s room. The senator said he loves his wife, his family, his state and whoever’s sitting in the next stall.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez canceled his speech at the U.N. All the attention was on Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Every year the Tournament of Hitlers can only have one grand marshal and someone’s feelings inevitably get hurt.
OCTOBER — Senate Democrats vowed to override President Bush’s veto of the bill expanding children’s health care by raising cigarette taxes. It’s self-defeating. If cigarettes get any more expensive, it’s going to make smoking crack cost-effective.
Malibu residents had to evacuate after fast-spreading brushfires ignited. It’s no surprise. Malibu consists of several thousand people in the movie business living next to an evangelical college, Pepperdine, and the friction starts fires all the time.
NOVEMBER — Ron Paul called for abolishing the IRS and for huge cuts in government spending. He’s a Texas congressman and an obstetrician. Ron Paul is the Republican candidate who’s the most like Ronald Reagan, but those aren’t his feet in the stirrups.
The Betty Ford Center held its twenty-fifth anniversary dinner and saluted Betty Ford. They’re doing land-office business. This year the center built two new dorms for Americans who are addicted to foreign oil and cheap immigrant labor.
DECEMBER — President Bush said he didn’t know Iran stopped working on its nuclear weapons program four years ago and said he didn’t know that the CIA destroyed torture videos. He can’t win. For years Democrats have said President Bush doesn’t know anything and now when President Bush admits he didn’t know anything, nobody believes him.
Oprah Winfrey appeared onstage with Barack Obama in Iowa. They work well together. Every time Barack would make a point about jobs, health care or foreign policy, Oprah would jiggle a set of car keys behind his back and the crowd would go crazy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.1.08

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