By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
It’s time for our annual look back at the year in jokes. Here’s part one, come back tomorrow for part two.
JANUARY – New York City rang in the New Year with one million people partying together in Times Square. A new study says seventy percent of all working adults give something to a friend at a New Year’s party. The good news is, it’s usually treatable.
Saddam Hussein was hanged on New Year’s Day and it aired worldwide thanks to cell phone cameras. The message was clear. Admit you have weapons of mass destruction whether you have them or not, or you could replace Benny Goodman as the King of Swing.
FEBRUARY – Barack Obama announced his presidential candidacy from the Abe Lincoln Library in Illinois. It’s an odd place to launch his campaign. If Americans want a president who can take the country into a civil war we can keep the one we’ve got.
The Wall Street Journal reported that Bank of America has begun offering major credit cards to illegal aliens. These people work hard, save their money and buy only the things they can afford. This must stop if they want to be Americans.
MARCH – The World Cricket Cup was saddened when Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer died after losing a match. He instilled team toughness. The Pakistani team was beaten by three wickets and they still wouldn’t tell the CIA where Osama bin Laden is hiding.
President Bush called for a guest-worker program for twelve million illegal aliens and for political refugees. Asylum seekers vow they are determined to remain in America and live free. Now all they have to do is qualify for disability.
APRIL – Prime Minister Tony Blair welcomed home fifteen British sailors after two weeks of captivity in Iran. It’s a miracle. They were released after Britain and Iran engaged in diplomacy, or as it is known in the Bush administration, women’s work.
Martin Sheen was arrested for protesting government silence over the danger of the Nevada Test Site. He wore duct tape over his mouth. He wants the world to know that there is still a member of the Sheen family who can breathe though his nose.
MAY – Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey revealed the rules she enforces on her call girls. Every date must end in two hours. Debbie Palfrey is the only one in Washington with a timetable for withdrawal both Democrats and Republicans can agree on.
Queen Elizabeth arrived at the White House for dinner to finish off her state visit. It was memorable. The Queen was barely out of the car when President Bush congratulated her on winning the Academy Award for Best Actress three months ago.
JUNE – President Bush stuck to his guns against Democrats and insisted that if the U.S. leaves Iraq, the terrorists will follow us home. We should entice them to follow us home. If the real estate market doesn’t kill them, the gasoline prices will.
The Democratic Party presidential candidates debated and pointed fingers at each other’s Iraq war vote. They all tried in vain to get Hillary Clinton to admit she was wrong. This woman doesn’t admit her mistakes, she stays married to them.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.31.07