By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
San Francisco Zoo officials struggled Wednesday to explain how a Siberian tiger jumped a fence and attacked zoo visitors. You know how it is with tigers. You can pet a tiger, you can feed a tiger, but you should never ask to see a tiger’s Vegas act.
The Bucket List starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman opens tonight. It’s about two dying men trying to fulfill their fantasies while their cancers are in remission. In a miracle at the end of the movie each of them is able to sell his home.
Major League Baseball said Monday season ticket sales for next year are way up over last year’s pace. You know what this means. George Mitchell was asked to test everyone in baseball for performance-enhancing drugs except the ticket sales operators.
The NFL agreed to plant thousands of trees in Arizona to offset the greenhouse gas emissions from the Super Bowl. It’s a trend. The NBA will plant life insurance companies in New Orleans to offset all the shootings during the NBA’s All-Star weekend.
Los Angeles erupted in brushfires on Christmas Eve, making last-minute shopping miserable with heat and smoke. Everyone thought they were in hell. People in Los Angeles always feel that way whenever they have to spend money on someone besides themselves.
John McCain ran new television ads in South Carolina Wednesday touting his war record. He was shot down, he was captured, he was tortured and he talked. John McCain running on his war record is like Teddy Kennedy running on his driving record.
Mike Huckabee went hunting in Iowa and said it is a misconception that hunters destroy wildlife. He said shooting wildlife preserves it. It’s a coded message to the defense establishment that the Iraq policy will stay the same if he becomes president.
John Edwards said Wednesday he’s the candidate who sounds most like a president, reminding a crowd that Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton had accents just like his. It’s impolite to say so. Every four years both political parties play Let’s Pretend with women and minorities, and then the voters show up and nominate the Southern white guy.
Saddam Hussein’s yacht went on sale Monday for $34 million. It has bulletproof glass and a mini-sub attached under the flooring for an emergency escape. It’s built like the lobby of every bank in California that makes mortgage loans.
President Bush was voted Most Admired Man in America Wednesday. He finished just ahead of Bill Clinton. It’s such an appalling drop in standards that Masterpiece Theatre is changing its name to Slutty War Stories just to stay on the air in America.
Hillary Clinton was named Most Admired Woman in the Gallup Poll Wednesday ahead of Oprah and Queen Elizabeth. It doesn’t mean she’ll be president. If people told pollsters the truth, Britney Spears would have won this award for the last five years.
President Bush signed the $500 billion spending bill Wednesday while flying home to his Texas ranch. He had no choice but to sign it on Air Force One. The plane had to stop for refueling and nobody had enough money to fill the tank.
Russia held missile tests Wednesday in response to the new U.S. anti-missile base in Poland. High oil prices are letting Russia re-arm. How can anyone say President Bush hasn’t done anything to reduce global warming when he’s re-started the Cold War?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.28.07