By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Queen Elizabeth gave her Christmas Day message on YouTube Tuesday. It got big ratings. She just became the oldest monarch in British history and everyone tuned in to see if she’d address the allegations that she used steroids to break the record.
Roger Clemens declared Sunday he will answer steroid charges on CBS’ 60 Minutes this week. No one wants to think he compiled a winning record using performance enhancers. The telecast is sponsored by Cialis and Corvette and the Hair Club for Men.
Nickelodeon’s Jamie Lynn Spears was praised by Repub-licans Monday for deciding to have her baby even though it could end the teenager’s acting career. Her family says she is perfectly willing to have a baby. She’s just waiting for the right script.
Great Britain passed a ban on motorists talking on their cell phone while they drive last week. It could cost lives. Drive-by shootings in Los Angeles are down 90 percent ever since cell phones gave people something else to do at stop lights.
President Bush telephoned U.S. soldiers and U.S. Marines and U.S. sailors stationed in the Middle East and in the Persian Gulf Tuesday to give them a personal pep talk. This is getting old very fast. Some of these guys were sent there to overthrow Saladin.
Turkish warplanes bombed Kurdish rebels in northern Iraq Monday, causing increased tensions between Iraq and Turkey and the United States. President Bush’s brand-new yoga instructor turned out to be right. If he can just relax, the wars will come to him.
Pope Benedict was cheered by a crowd in St. Peter’s Square after Christmas Mass Tuesday. He spoke in his native tongue. It was a bit unsettling to see hundreds of thousands of people going nuts over a German speaking to them from a balcony again.
The FBI said Monday it will award a contract to develop a nationwide database of everybody’s palm print, face, fingerprints and retina. The FBI said people who are innocent have nothing to fear. You could ask Richard Jewell except that he’s dead.
Fred Thompson didn’t even appear on his Christmas commercial as he searches for a way to pull out of his dive. First he was a lawyer, then he was an actor, and now he is a politician. The descent into hell is easy, it’s climbing out that’s tough.
The New Hampshire primary poll tightened Monday with no clear leader in either party. The whole world is watching. Every time John McCain gains five more points in the polls the people who live near nuclear plants in Iran decide to live for today.
The Concord Monitor in New Hampshire called Mitt Romney a phony Monday. He had said his father marched with Martin Luther King. A lot of Southern sheriffs’ sons can say they same thing, but they don’t usually admit it unless they’ve been drinking.
Rudy Giuliani had to assure reporters Monday he’s perfectly healthy. The press has been grilling him about tests done in a St. Louis hospital last week. Apparently someone in Hillary’s campaign is spreading rumors that he tested positive for cocaine.
Democratic officials ex-pressed worry Monday about how to get first-time caucus goers to show up at the Iowa caucuses next week. The candidates worry their people have promised to show up but they won’t keep their promises. What goes around comes around.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 12.27.07