By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Roger Clemens announced Sunday he’s agreed to answer steroid charges with Mike Wallace on CBS’ 60 Minutes next week. It could last all hour. Mike Wallace is very interested in anything that can help a guy keep working past the usual retirement age.
Nickelodeon star Jamie Lynn Spears was praised by social conservatives Monday for deciding to have her baby. Everyone says she’s the responsible sister. If the pattern holds, Jamie Lynn will be governor of Florida when Britney’s elected president.
New England Patriots star Tom Brady was voted Athlete of the Year Friday. Everybody thinks he has presidential aspirations. He recently asked his coach to switch to the T-formation so that whenever he’s on television there’s a cross over his shoulder.
Mike Huckabee said the glowing cross over his shoulder in his Christmas ad was accidental. He says that’s just how the light hit a bookcase behind him. As long as Mike Huckabee is campaigning, how can Burger King call itself the Home of the Whopper?
GOP candidate Ron Paul was on Meet the Press on Sunday. He explained his views that the income tax should be abolished, that U.S. troops should be brought home immediately from Iraq, and that Abraham Lincoln was a warmonger. The next morning Ron Paul jumped fourteen points in South Carolina and nobody in the press could figure out why.
Barack Obama said as president he’d test toys made in China for lead. It causes cognitive impairment in children. For everyone who thinks that Baby Boomers turned out the way we did from the marijuana, guess again, it was the lead in the Tinker Toys.
Hillary Clinton promised to fulfill America’s promise to veterans at the Iowa Veterans Home in Marshalltown. She once tried to enlist in the Marines in the early Seventies, but she was turned down. They told her we weren’t that mad at the Viet Cong.
Rudy Giuliani had a great time campaigning in a New Hampshire bar Sunday where he converted a few John McCain voters. He converted them to Giuliani voters, not to Jesus. You’ve never seen a New Yorker so glad to be out of Iowa and South Carolina.
Queen Elizabeth launched her own YouTube channel Sunday with clips of her life in Buckingham Palace. She just gave her annual Christmas address. Queen Elizabeth is the head of her very own church, like all wealthy grandmothers with large families.
The Bush administration issued brand-new rules Friday that eliminate Medicaid reimbursement to schools for transportation costs of disabled students. Disabled rights activists were left speechless by the decision. So much for no child left behind.
President Bush warned reporters on Thursday about the danger of Iran’s nuclear program. He really shouldn’t worry. If history is any guide, Iran will use its nuclear power for peaceful purposes, unless somebody draws a cartoon they don’t like.
Reagan administration officials said Sunday the film Charlie Wilson’s War is politically slanted and tells the story of the covert Afghan war just from the left side. That is not fair. People who partied with Charlie Wilson say he used both nostrils equally.
Russia’s President Vladimir Putin was selected Time magazine’s Person of the Year Thursday. He’s been looking for even more ways to consolidate his power. Last night in a dream Stalin told him to shoot all the democrats and paint the Kremlin steps blue, but there is no way the Russian people would stand for him painting the Kremlin.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 12.26.07