By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Christmas Day begins the busiest week of the year for air travel in the United States. The delay is endless. Santa Claus may not be able to get down the chimney at the Spears family house in Los Angeles tonight, what with five storks ahead of him.
The Chicago Cubs were put on sale for a billion dollars on Friday by their new owner Sam Zell, who also wants to sell naming rights to Wrigley Field. He just bought the Tribune, which owns the historic club. Every year by Mother’s Day they are history.
Mitt Romney admitted to reporters Friday he never saw his late father Governor George Romney march with Martin Luther King in the Sixties, as he claims in campaign literature. His dad was a very wealthy automobile executive. He never walked anywhere.
Washington D.C. lawyers for terror suspects said the destroyed CIA interrogation tapes prove their clients were tortured. It seems unfair. One guy has to answer twenty-year-old drug charges, and the Clintons want to know why he is leading in Iowa.
Bill and Hillary Clinton spent the weekend campaigning separately. It’s a good tandem. While Hillary was in Iowa offering free health care Saturday, Bill was in Texas offering to take Jessica Simpson off Tony Romo’s hands til after the Super Bowl.
Charlie Wilson’s War opened Friday, about a hard-drinking and coke-snorting and womanizing U.S. congressman who secretly helped Muslim rebels beat the Soviet Army in Afghanistan in the Eighties. In the end he felt betrayed. He helped Ronald Reagan to defeat the Soviets and then Nancy Reagan thanked him by overthrowing his lifestyle.
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates reported back to Washington Friday following his fact-finding mission to Iraq. Despite recent military success, the government remains completely dysfunctional. Perhaps the United States isn’t ready for democracy.
Rudy Giuliani ordered his New York-bound plane to turn around and return to St. Louis where he was hospitalized Wednesday. He insisted on going to Barnes Jewish Hospital. He did not want any of Mike Huckabee’s people standing near the oxygen hose.
Mike Huckabee accused GOP elites of ignoring evangelical Christians Friday. He said elites look down their noses at them. Huckabee was born poor in Arkansas, and he apparently got into the Republican Party due to an error by the membership committee.
Condi Rice denounced Mike Huckabee’s critique of President Bush’s foreign policy Friday. He said the president’s foreign policy has a bunker mentality. Reporters were able to question Condi Rice about it after she came upstairs to get a can opener.
A U.S. Navy judge ruled Thursday that Osama bin Laden’s driver can be tried by a Guantanamo tribunal as a terrorist. He was captured six years ago with surface-to-air missiles in his car. He could get a reduction in his sentence for buying American.
NASA said Friday an asteroid is on a path to collide with Mars next month. The White House is monitoring the situation. People have been wondering if there’s any water on Mars, but if the asteroid goes deep enough we’ll find out if there’s any oil.
The White House was evacuated Wednesday when a fire broke out in Dick Cheney’s vice presidential office in the Executive Office Building, across the street from the West Wing. The cause of the fire was apparent. The shredder overheated again.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published in The Messenger 12.24.07