By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Nickelodeon star Jamie Lynn Spears announced Tuesday that she’s pregnant at the age of sixteen. Her mother is already trying to sell the baby’s pictures. There’s one of Jamie Lynn in the bathtub taken last week that she thinks will sell for a hundred grand.
The White House was evacuated Wednesday when a fire broke out in the Executive Office Building next door. It took hours to put out. That’s because Congress shut off the water at the White House to make sure the interrogations stayed within limits.
Time magazine named Vladimir Putin Person of the Year on Wednesday. He owes his entire career to the magazine’s parent company Time Warner. Most people get a lot of laughs when they first see Arsenic and Old Lace, but Vladimir Putin got the recipe.
Florida State University coach Bobby Bowden banned twenty-five of his football players from New Year’s Eve’s Music City Bowl over a classroom cheating scandal. He’s so disappointed in the players. They are only supposed to cheat on the steroids tests.
Alex Rodriguez hired agent Guy Oseary to handle his career Tuesday. He manages rock stars in Hollywood. Nowadays nothing is more important for a ballplayer than having a representative with experience keeping drug allegations out of the newspaper.
NASA astronomers witnessed one galaxy blasting a jet of radiation into another galaxy Wednesday. They never saw such galactic violence. We don’t know if there’s intelligent life in the universe, but we know they settle their disputes over oil just like we do.
The New York Times said Wednesday four of President Bush’s White House lawyers knew about the CIA torture tapes and debated what to do with them. Someone decided to destroy them. If there’s one thing Republicans have learned in thirty-five years it is how to keep the president from having to resign halfway through his second term.
The U.S. Senate passed a half-trillion-dollar spending bill on Wednesday with no timeline for withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq. In the end they voted to continue waging permanent war. The Vikings not only discovered America, they marked it for life.
Washington’s Fire Chief on Wednesday praised the federal employees who escaped from the burning Executive Office Building for their smooth evacuation. Everyone was told not to think, just follow. So it was a typical day in the Bush administration.
Rudy Giuliani gave an interview Wednesday and cited threats against him by the mob as the reason he had to give police protection to his mistress. He knows both sides. The difference between the Mafia and the government is that one of them is organized.
Congress heard testimony from an American woman Wednesday who said she was drugged and gang-raped in Iraq by her fellow Halliburton workers. The congressmen are just outraged. Dick Cheney had no authority to sentence her to two hundred lashes.
Turkey sent troops into Iraq Tuesday to try to track down rebel Kurds responsible for violence. So another country has decided to invade Iraq. Apparently our Mission Accomplished banner has been replaced by one that says Come On In, the Quagmire’s Fine.
Connecticut police arrested a woman for sexual assault Tuesday after she was accused of groping Santa Claus at Danbury Mall. She groped him before their snapshot was taken. Sometimes figuring out who is naughty and who’s nice is not all that difficult.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.21.07