By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Fidel Castro indicated Monday he’s ready to step down from power in Cuba. He’s suffering from gastro-intestinal problems. President Bush is going to throw a fit when it dawns on him that all it takes to overthrow a brutal dictator is Mexican food.
Japan’s navy held a missile-defense exercise with the U.S. Navy Tuesday and shot down a dummy missile heading for Japan from the general direction of North Korea. You can’t make it up. The United States is trying to protect Japan from a surprise attack.
New Hampshire will allow gay couples to have civil union ceremonies beginning New Year’s Day. Republicans have begun re-thinking their opposition to same-sex marriage. It may be the only way to keep Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte from having to testify against each other.
Roger Clemens was canceled as the speaker at a Texas sports banquet on Tuesday following the Mitchell Report. It’s just as well. He was going to talk about his workout routine, but no one cares anymore whether he rolls up his sleeve or bends over.
Ron Paul set a fundraising record with six million dollars in one day Sunday. He’s for a pullout from Iraq, abolishing the IRS and legalizing pot. Eighteen-year-olds got the vote thirty-five years ago but this is the first time they’ve considered using it.
Mike Huckabee aired an ad Monday that shows a cross shining over his shoulder. No one ever admits to subliminal advertising. Wal-Mart denies that running an endless loop of sentimental Christmas music is a secret plot to sell prescription anti-depressants.
Mike Huckabee was asked to explain his belief in creationism Monday. He stated he believes that God created the earth in six days, however he’s not sure how long a day was in the Book of Genesis. The next day he was banned from Kansas for doubting.
The National Enquirer said Wednesday that John Edwards has a pregnant girlfriend who has gone into hiding for the duration of the campaign. It would finish him if he got some girl pregnant. He has been claiming for years that he’s a protectionist.
Rudy Giuliani’s third wife Judi Nathan was reported Monday to have terrible poll numbers because female voters regard her as a homewrecker. Rudy’s thinking of replacing her with Elizabeth Edwards. She polls better and the Enquirer says she’s about to be available.
Fred Thompson told Republicans Tuesday he wants to be the horse they ride to the White House. He said they just need to saddle him up. It’s ad-libbing like this that makes the Writers Guild feel like they’ve got the upper hand in the strike talks.
Afghanistan reported a record poppy harvest Monday, threatening a worldwide increase in opium. It’s about to be a campaign issue. Hillary Clinton wants it known that a Muslim country with a drug problem is in no way a veiled reference to Barack Obama.
Hillary Clinton admitted Monday that it’s not her nature to reveal her true feelings and her true self to complete strangers. Her admission was as Methodist as it was shrewdly calculated. She’s decided to target the voters who can’t stand Oprah Winfrey.
Bill Clinton said Tuesday that once Hillary’s elected president she’ll send him and former President Bush around the world to repair America’s destroyed image. It was a very presumptuous thing to say. Former President Bush is not going to go around the world and apologize for his son’s foreign policy, he’s only going to Saudi Arabia.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.
Publihed in The Messenger 12.20.07