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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Magna Carta was sold at auction in New York City Tuesday. It was signed by King John eight centuries ago and established that the king is not above the law. In the auction catalogue, Dick Cheney describes the document as just a piece of paper.
Las Vegas approved a museum to honor the gangsters who built the casinos. It’s no match for the life insurance racket. In that business you bet them you’re going to die, they bet you you’re going to live, then you pay them a fortune hoping they win.
Ron Paul set an all-time record Sunday for the most money raised in one day by a presidential candidate with a six-million-dollar haul. It’s unprecedented. It’s the only record to be broken all year without the help of performance-enhancing drugs.
The Mitchell Report on Thursday named eighty-five players who used performance-enhancing drugs, including twenty-two New York Yankees and seventeen New York Mets. The drugs make you muscle-bound and filled with rage. Everyone in New York is on them.
The New England Patriots beat the New York Jets Sunday. This victory put their coach’s cheating scandal to rest. As much as the people of Massachusetts love Bill Belichick it’s hard to believe they were the only state to vote against Richard Nixon.
Iowa churches were filled with presidential candidates Sunday who were trying to win over undecided voters. They were really on the wrong track. Every survey shows that people are waiting for the forty-percent discount before they buy anything.
Hillary Clinton denied any role in bringing up Barack Obama’s past cocaine use. Her pal Bob Kerrey said he only mentioned that Barack’s middle name was Hussein as a compliment. Tune in next week when they assure Senator Barbara Mikulski they don’t tell Polish jokes.
David Letterman cut a deal with the Writers Guild Monday letting him return in two weeks, as will Jay Leno. The public is thrilled. These last six weeks will be known as a time in television history so bleak that Mike Huckabee was considered funny.
GOP candidate Mike Huckabee’s family problems came to light Monday. Opposition researchers found out that Governor Huckabee’s son was once accused of hanging a stray dog at his Boy Scout camp in Arkansas. He was earning a merit badge in interrogations.
Mike Huckabee criticized President Bush Saturday, saying he has had an arrogant foreign policy. It’s a major turn in his life. The good news is, he can have his own Episcopal Church in three years if he can get into seminary and pass all the tests.
Saudi King Abdullah pardoned the raped woman who was sentenced to two hundred lashes for being with a man in public. The case was poisoning his international relations. What good is hundred-dollar-per-barrel oil if every girl in Paris is afraid to look at you?
U.N. peacekeepers who patrol Haiti were found Monday to be paying teenage girls a dollar and fifteen cents in Australian currency to have sex with them. It’s a huge scandal. The U.S. dollar is so worthless even teenage prostitutes in Haiti won’t take it.
The Border Patrol fired tear gas over the Mexican border Monday in retaliation against Mexicans throwing bottles at them. Both sides have tear gas. The next time these agents order special sauce at Taco Bell they had better not be in uniform.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at argus@argushamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 12.19.07

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